Marriage Problems 101: Sometimes I Don’t Like My Husband

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Real Talk. Every couple faces marriage problems sometimes. Husbands and wives don’t even like each other sometimes and don’t feel like being married. As great as marriage is, it can also be a roller coaster of ups and downs, twists and turns that can make you want to just throw up. You might want to stop reading this if you’re engaged. Actually, no, stay. You need to hear the real deal behind some of these fake smiles and scripted social media posts.

Marriage is supposed to be the most intimate relationship of your life, and it should bring you the utmost fulfillment. Why, then, do marriage problems seem to steal every ounce of joy and loving feelings we have? How is it possible to go from bliss to miss in such a short amount of time? And, for the love, why does marriage seem so hard at times?!

How is it possible to go from bliss to miss in such a short amount of time?

I’ve been married to Shaun for almost 19 years. For the most part, my husband is cool as a cucumber.   He is not prone to anger. Well, as long as you don’t cut him off on the road. In that case, you will experience his occasional road rage, but that’s another story.  When he does get frazzled, it’s likely in the wee hours of the morning when in a sleep-induced coma, I push (or kick) him to the edge of our California king-size bed, and he can’t get me to move back over. Talk about bedtime marriage problems!

Anyhoo, when Shaun does manage to get mad, he becomes irritable and quiet. So what do I do? I pray, of course. Let me stop lying. Actually, I usually shut down too. Oh, I can ice him out! So now you have two people playing the passive-aggressive game of “Shut Out Showdown.” I’ve played this game many times before, and I’ve never won. And neither has Shaun.

You see, when you’re having marriage problems, the worse thing you can do is shut your spouse out. As hard as it is, you have to stay in the game. Your marriage is important, and you don’t have time to be wasting playing games, because you’re too prideful or fearful to be vulnerable and deal with your issues.

Handling Marriage Problems Like a Grownup

If you are over 18 (and you should be if you’re married), I’ve got news for you. You are a grownup. You don’t have to pout, tattle on your spouse to your friends (or his/her family) or play immature games. There are more mature and effective ways to handle marriage problems when they arise:

1. Attack the problem, not the each other. Say this with me, “My spouse is not my enemy.” Repeat. Marriage problems get worse when you go after the wrong enemy. Ask yourself what is really going on. What’s the root of your issue? Only then can you make a plan to fix it.
2. Realize there is no scoreboard. Solving your marriage problems isn’t about winning or losing. Seek to understand, not to agree. Remember, you’re on the same team! Your goal is to beat the problem, not each other.
3. Talk. Talk. I know it’s hard to express your true feelings sometimes, but your spouse needs you to talk. Early in our marriage, Shaun and I kept a marriage notebook. When I was too emotional to talk or he couldn’t quite find the right words to say, one of us would write down our thoughts and give it to the other. The other spouse would then write his/her response on the next page. It was brilliant really. This has me thinking, where is my daggone notebook?!
4. Forgive quickly. Those we love the most, we can hurt the most. Forgiveness is a staple in conflict resolution. Getting past marriage problems depends on it! Yes, it is easier said than done, but unforgiveness is like cancer to your relationship. It destroys everything.
5. Seek help when needed. I am a huge proponent of marriage counseling. So many marriage problems can be solved with the help of an unbiased third party who is willing to tell you the truth. There is no shame in getting help, and I am so glad to see the stigma of counseling and therapy disappearing.

Don’t give up or let your heart grow cold.

At the end of the day, there will be times when you and your spouse are in conflict. He/she will get on your nerves, and you may feel like you don’t like him/her at all. Understand that this is just a temporary “down.” Your “up” is right around the next turn. Healthy marriages will face conflict. How long you take to resolve it is the true test of the strength of your marriage. Don’t give up or let your heart grow cold because of the marriage problems you are facing. Stay in the game! Come up with some new plays. Every problem has a solution. Work together to find yours. The reward will be well worth it.