10 Vital Questions to Ask Before Marriage
What is more exciting than planning a wedding? You pick out “the” dress, hear the squeals of your girlfriends-turned-bridesmaids and shop for venues with your boo. Weddings are such a thrill. Sadly, most couples don’t put the same effort into planning the marriage as they do the wedding. They don’t know the right questions to ask before marriage and assume since they’ve had a successful dating relationship, the marriage will be too. Shortly after the blissful wedding, however, many find themselves in the heat of conflict.
According to the expert wedding planning site, The Knot, couples spend an average of over $35,000 on their wedding. We know that 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Divorce costs an average of $15,000, so I’d say marriage is one of the largest financial investments you’ll ever make. Doesn’t it make sense, then, to find out as much as you can about your partner before marrying him/her?
A friend of mine met his wife on a blind date, and two weeks later they were married. Eyebrows raised, right? Get this—they’ve been married for over 30 years! This is rare. However, in the two weeks that they dated, they asked each other every imaginable question, some of which are listed below. I believe my friend had it right in laying as successful a foundation as possible before saying, “I do,” and it starts with knowing the right questions to ask before marriage.
What You Don’t Know Can Hurt You
I wrote in an earlier post about a conversation I had with a girl I know who was about to get married. This girl was so in love, she couldn’t walk straight (heads out of the gutter!). When I asked her if she and her fiancé were going to premarital counseling, she actually said no, because, “I don’t want to open a can of worms.” Friends, what you don’t know can hurt you, especially in marriage. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. Couples wake up a few weeks after the honeymoon to someone they no longer know, and they want out.
You remember the famous line by Jack Nicholson’s character in A Few Good Men? “You can’t handle the truth!” Well, friend, there are ten questions to ask before marriage that you can handle and that will help you to plan accordingly.
10 Questions to Ask Before Saying “I Do”
- What is your love language?
This is important, plus it’s just a fun question to ask. If you spend your time trying to love your new spouse in a way he/she doesn’t need, you’ll be frustrated a lot. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages can help you avoid this hindrance. Loving your partner is so much easier (and fulfilling!) when you know how he/she best receives love.
- Do you prefer to process internally or externally?
When Shaun and I have a disagreement, I talk and talk and talk! He, on the other hand, gets all “crickety” quiet. This used to drive me nuts, until I realized I’m an external processor, and Shaun’s not. He needs time to think about what I’ve said before giving a response. I, rather, have already thought, processed, come up the solution and answered any rebuttals in less than 60 seconds. A lot of unnecessary arguments can be avoided by simply knowing how each of you processes conflict.
- What’s your stance on having friends of the opposite gender?
I find so many couples never ask this of each other. It blows my mind. You should never assume your future spouse is okay with or against friends of the opposite gender. Once you get married, everything changes. Some of those friendships will need to be reevaluated and possibly ended. This is one of the most important questions to ask before marriage if you want to avoid infidelity and mistrust.
- What role will your parents/family have in our married life?
Friends, I’m trying to tell you, you need to have this conversation BEFORE you walk down that aisle. It is up to your future husband or wife, not you, to set Momma-in-law in her lane. Some family members will intentionally cause problems in your marriage, so you have to be specific and upfront with your boundaries.
- Am I required to work?
I know this is the 21stcentury and all, but this is still a great question to ask before marriage. I know a woman who quit her job soon after the wedding, because she held a “traditional” financial view of marriage. Unfortunately, her husband was relying on her income. Can you imagine the magnitude of problems they faced with this one? Don’t assume. Ask. Ladies, don’t assume your new husband thinks of himself as the main provider. I’d be rich if I had a dollar for every story I’ve heard about a husband playing video games all day after losing his job.
- How important is religion/faith to you?
Unless you are deeply rooted in your faith, this question might slip under the radar. I’ve seen couples split over religious differences. Major conflicts have been caused when faith is important to one spouse and not the other. I wrote a post about being unequally yoked that will shed more light on this.
- Do you want kids?
I know this seems to go without saying, but you’d be surprised at how many lovers assume their partners do or do not want kids. Some couples start off not wanting kids, but then someone changes his/her mind. What happens then? Is the spouse who now wants kids supposed to endure the agony of being childless, because their spouse isn’t on board? Is the spouse who doesn’t want kids now selfish? Talk about it!
- Who will handle the finances?
Some couples assume the main breadwinner should also handle the finances only to get married and realize that’s a bad idea. Just because you make more doesn’t mean you manage it well. Since financial conflict is the number two reason couples get divorced, this is one of those vital questions to ask before marriage.
- How often do you need to have sex?
Whether you’re doing “the do” before marriage or not, you still need to ask each other how much sex you need. Sex drives change in marriage. You might start out needing sex once a day but after a few kids, weight gain, an illness, etc., your needs may change. The most fulfilling sex life isn’t about tricks and toys, but when both partners agree on their needs and wants.
- What are your beliefs about divorce?
I love Will and Jada Smith. I might not agree with everything they stand for, but one of the things I’ve often heard them say is “Divorce is not an option.” They’re both equally passionate about this stance. Come hell or high water, they are in it forever. It amazes me that some couples never talk about their thoughts on divorce. Sure, it’s like talking about a funeral at a wedding, but it is important to know if your partner thinks divorce is an option before you invest into a marriage.
I listed these 10 questions to ask before marriage, because I believe they are the most vital. Of course, there are many more. I think all couples should discuss these issues before tying the knot. What other questions can you think to ask before getting married? I’d love to read your comments below.
Going deeper, to add to these questions to ask before marriage, I’m giving away a free audio download on The 7 Things I Wish They Told Me Before Getting Married. Get yours today!
I’d say that it’s a great idea to actually talk about it, and have a long conversation about it. It’s also very important.
Talking about these issues is definitely important Leticia. Can you think of specific questions you’d ask?