7 Lessons Your Marriage is Teaching Your Kids

Maybe you didn’t realize it, but your marriage is teaching your kids some powerful lessons. If you’ve listened to this podcast for a while, you’ve likely heard me talk a little bit about how I grew up. I grew up in a home where I had a loving mother and I had a stepfather. My parents’ relationship was very volatile. My parents fought and argued a lot. And when I say fought, I mean physically. I’m not just talking about like figuratively, they got into arguments. No, I grew up in a home where domestic violence was present. And that taught me a lot about marriage. It taught me a lot about women. It taught me a lot about myself. It taught me a lot about men and all these lessons I’m learning in this marriage that I am in. Because, listen, parents, you’re not the only ones in your marriage. Your children are in there too, whether they want to be or not. And this is why this podcast episode is so important. 

As a parent, if you think that your and your spouse’s problems are just between you guys and it doesn’t really affect your kids, you’re really missing the big, big point here. Your kids are watching everything. And let me tell you, kids are very perceptive. Kids understand way more than we give them credit for. Kids are able to pick up on the fact that mom and dad are not getting along when you guys have never even said a word. And you know what happens when a child doesn’t feel like they can go to mom and dad and ask if things are okay? What happens to us when we’re unable to go to our spouse or friend or whoever and get a resolution? What do we do? We make up an imaginary story. We have to fill in the gaps somewhere. And this is what kids do. This is what I did. 

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

So I would see all this stuff happening with my parents’ marriage and I would usually make up this story that whatever was going on in their marriage, which probably had nothing to do with whatever they were actually arguing about, but because I didn’t know that I’m just a little kid, I’m making up these stories. A lot of times what kids do is then they make it about themselves. Now, I didn’t actually do this. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s just because I did have enough wisdom at that age to know their parent or their problems don’t have anything to do with me. But I definitely remember going to school with my parents’ arguments on my mind and thinking, literally thinking about how they could solve that problem and thinking about if my mom would have just said this, then my stepdad would have said that, and then this is the result that they could have had. I was a marriage coach when I was six, okay? I really was. And I remember just that being a lot of pressure, that being a lot of extra thinking that I should not have had to be doing. 

Now, this is not just for parents who fight. This is not just for parents who have a volatile relationship or maybe an unhealthy marriage, but this is for all of us parents. So if you have a good marriage listen, your kids are learning things about your good marriage, and you should be happy about that. You should be proud of that. But for those of you who are struggling in your marriage, this is not to shame or condemn you, but to help make you aware that you are teaching your children some valuable lessons.

1. Your Marriage is Teaching Your Kids About Conflict Resolution

The first marriage lesson you’re teaching your kids is conflict resolution. If you are having conflict with your spouse, you are teaching your children how to resolve conflict. Shaun and I grew up in very different ways. I already told you about how I grew up. Shaun grew up very opposite. His parents never fought. Not only did they never fight, but they never disagreed. So Shaun didn’t really learn conflict resolution from his parents because he never really saw them have conflicts. And this is what I want to tell people who think that we never, ever should argue in front of our kids . . . we should never disagree in front of our kids. I don’t think you should argue in front of your kids. I really don’t. I don’t think that you should fight in front of your kids. But your kids do need to see you having some sort of disagreement, because how are they going to learn how to resolve conflict if they never see you resolve conflict? So you’re teaching your children what conflict resolution is. You’re teaching your children how to actually solve problems. You’re teaching your children how to have disagreements and still be agreeable.

2. Your Marriage is Teaching Your Kids About Appreciation 

The next marriage lesson you’re teaching your children is appreciation. I grew up seeing a very inconsiderate man and a very unappreciated woman. My mom did a lot. My mom worked full time. She was a schoolteacher. And this was like back in the day before computers. I remember my mom always had a stack of papers, so she not only worked all day at school but then she came home and she was still working. Any of my teachers out there, I love you guys. You all are heroes, I’m telling you. So my mom worked a lot, and then she always managed to be at our games. She was a very present mother, and I really appreciate her for that. But my mom was very unappreciated. 

I never ever heard my stepdad compliment my mom. I never heard him say anything to her like, babe, you are an incredible mother, babe, I love how you take time out of your day to cook us meals. I never heard anything remotely like that. And so what I started to believe is that as a woman, you’re going to do all these things for this man, and your man is never going to appreciate you. So you all know what that did, right? You start to make these inner vows in your mind as a child, and you have inner vows, too, whether you realize they’re there or not. How many of you have ever said something like, “When I grow up, I’m never gonna . . .”  or “I know my parents did that, but I’m never gonna . . . ” Anytime you say, “I’m never gonna,” that’s an inner vow that you’ve made. Some of those inner vowels are helpful, and some of them are destructive. Mine were destructive. So I put Sean through a whole bunch of nonsense because I was like, this man’s going to appreciate me.

3. Grace and Forgiveness – What Your Kids Are Learning from Your Marriage

All right, number three, you are teaching your children grace and forgiveness. OMG, you guys. Oh my gosh. This could be a whole podcast episode by itself. When your children see you make mistakes in your marriage, and they do see, you might not think they see, but they see. Do you respond to your spouse with grace or do you make them feel dumb or like a jerk or worse because of what they did? I’m not talking about like a big mistake like, oops, I slept with somebody else. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the smaller things that happen in marriages. Do you show your spouse grace? Are you quick to forgive? Or do they see you holding grudges? Do they see you holding on to resentment? Do they hear you talking to your friends about their parents, their mom, or their dad? 

Do your children hear you bashing your spouse or at least being resentful of your spouse? Or do they see you showing grace and forgiveness? Where else are they going to learn that from? Where else are they going to learn that if I spill a cup of milk on accident, I get grace, I don’t get a punishment. Hopefully, you parents are not punishing your children for those mistakes that they’re making. I’m not talking about willful disobedience. We’re going to get into that when we talk about parenting in several weeks. But grace, forgiveness, that’s an important lesson that your children are learning, and they’re learning that from your marriage.

4. Boundaries and Responsibility are Being Taught to Your Kids Through Your Marriage

The next lesson your marriage is teaching your kids is boundaries and responsibility. Y’all, this is probably one of my most talked-about topics. I talk about this in all of my coaching in some capacity. We are always talking about boundaries, responsibility, and ownership. I am big on this, huge on this. This is one of my core tenets here. When you have no boundaries and when you allow your spouse to just walk all over you, and do whatever they want, there are no boundaries around your marriage. You are sending your child a very unhealthy worldview. When you do not take responsibility for your actions, or worse yet, you take responsibility for things that you shouldn’t, you are also teaching your child a very unhealthy worldview. 

Your children need to know what a boundary is. When you have toddlers, you have to teach them no. You have to teach them a boundary. And a boundary simply is, this is where I end and you begin. You don’t just have complete access and rights to me at all times because you’re my child. There’s a boundary here. And in a marriage, your children need to see that. Your children need to know that there are boundaries, even in marriage. If you guys haven’t listened to the Boundaries in Marriage episode, be sure that you listen to that episode. I’ll link to it in the show notes of this podcast, Your children need to know what healthy boundaries are. Your children need to know how to take responsibility for themselves and how to not take responsibility for things that are not theirs to own.

5. Your Marriage is Teaching Your Kids About Gender Norms 

Your marriage is teaching your children gender norms. Now, gender norms is like this big buzzword now. There are all these podcasts about it. There are all these shows, talk shows, articles, and books. There are so many people talking about gender norms. And when I say gender norms, I’m not saying like, male, female. I’m not in the transgender conversation. That’s not what I’m talking about here. What I’m talking about is how should a woman respond or behave in a marriage, and how should a man respond or behave in a marriage. Newsflash: I said earlier that Shaun and I are traditional, but when it comes to gender norms, I’m not necessarily, like, in a box. I don’t believe the man should go outside and bring home the bacon, and then the woman should cook the bacon. I don’t even eat bacon, okay? I’m pescatarian. So what I am saying is that there are some roles that you will play in your marriage, and I think that those are fluid. I don’t believe that women are to do this and then men are to do this. I think people get in trouble when they start boxing folks into those labels. But what I do believe is whatever you’re doing in your marriage, your children are learning from it. Your children are learning what it is to be feminine and what it is to be masculine. Your children are learning what moms do versus what dads do. So whatever you guys have going on in your house, just ask yourself, would I want my child to emulate this in his or her marriage?

6. Provision is a Lesson Your Kids Are Learning from Your Marriage

Who provides? Do both parents provide? Does just Dad provide? Does just Mom provide? Does God provide? How about that? Do you teach your children that, yes, mommy and Daddy have jobs, but ultimately we trust in God as our source? And you’re not just saying it with your words, but you’re living it out that you’re not making crazy financial decisions and your finances. Your kids are going to see all of that stuff. Your kids are going to see if you’re in debt and if you’re struggling. Your kids are going to see if you’re living outside of your means. Your children are going to see if Dad sits home all day and doesn’t do anything and Mom is stressed out because she’s having to work all the time to make up for Dad’s inconsistencies or vice versa. Right. Your kids are going to see all of that stuff. When it comes to provision, they’re going to be taught a lot about who provides. They’re going to be taught what it is to trust in God. If you’re in your faith, what does it mean to trust in God as your source? Your kids are going to develop an abundance mentality or a scarcity mentality. They just are based on how you view your finances, based on how you actually are operating in this whole provision category. This is an important one.

7. Healthy Sexuality is an Important Value Your Marriage is Teaching Your Kids

Your marriage is teaching your children about healthy sexuality. Your children need to know that you and your husband or you and your wife have sex. They need to know that. They need to know what that closed bedroom door means. And it’s not always, Mommy and Daddy are getting dressed or going to sleep. Age appropriate. Okay? Yes, I’ll give that to you. But your kids need to know what healthy sexuality is. They need to know that sex is a part of marriage, and it doesn’t need to be like laugh, laugh, laugh every time we talk about it. It needs to just kind of start being a part of your conversations, especially as your children get a little bit older. And when I say older, I don’t mean 16. If you’ve waited until 16, you have missed the boat. It is too late. So you need to be teaching them these things when they’re younger. 

One of the best things that you can do for your child is to have a good, healthy sexual life in your marriage. Your kids need to see you showing affection . . . open affection. They need to see that now. They don’t need to see you, like, in a porn movie or something. They don’t need to see all that. But they do need to see you guys showing physical affection. They need to see the hugs, the kisses, the sitting on the laps, the pinch on the butt. They need to see all of that. Your kids should be like, “get a room!” Matter of fact, that’s one of the podcast episodes we have coming up in this series is about why your kids need you to get a room. If they don’t learn about sex from you, where do you think they’re going to learn that from? Do you think TV is going to teach them YouTube? TikTok? Because that’s where they’re learning, you know. TikTok is where they get all of their information, and they really think that it’s like credible, researched information. So we have got to, as parents, combat that and teach our children what healthy sexuality is. I think that there are so many kids right now who are so confused about their sexual identity and their sexual behavior and sexual acceptance and sexual freedom and all of these things. And I believe that a big reason for that is because as parents, we have dropped the ball. We have not told our children who they are. We have not modeled before them what good, healthy sexuality is. It’s time that we take our responsibility back as parents and show our children what good, healthy sexual lives look like in the protective arena of a marriage, and how beautiful it can be.

These show notes are an abridged version of the audio podcast. Be sure to listen to the full episode to get all the nuggets! 

Links Mentioned in this Episode 

5 Boundaries Every Marriage Needs 

Learn more about Thrive Wives, our group coaching program

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