When You Disagree on How to Discipline the Kids (Marriage & Family Series)

When parenting your children, disagreements don’t have to come between you and your spouse. So what do you do when you and your spouse disagree on how to discipline the kids? Shaun and I have had many disagreements concerning our kids. It can tear your marriage apart when you disagree on discipline. I want us to focus on this topic because our goal is to share a little bit about our story, our failures, and some things that we figured out along the way, in the hopes that you will also be able to learn how to navigate forward.

Spoiler alert: it is possible to agree on your outcomes, even if not necessarily on your tactics. Most of us want our kids to thrive, and to be healthy, whole, loving, responsible people. So, join Shaun and me in this conversation. We’re shedding some light and some wisdom on how to come to a truce when your parenting styles are misaligned.

How You Were Raised Affects How You Discipline Your Kids

First and foremost, I think it’s important to understand that the way that you were raised really has a huge effect on how you discipline your kids. Shaun grew up in a Baptist church and his mom was a strict single mom. I also grew up in a Baptist church. Single mom, for the most part, I had a stepdad, but you all know that was a cray, cray situation. I’ve told you all about that many times on the show. But my mom was the best disciplinarian, I think my mother, I say all the time, she was, like, the perfect spanker if anything happened to us, that we did something wrong. Like, not something bad happened to us, but when we did something wrong, my mom would make us tell her what we did wrong. So we had to acknowledge right? We had to show accountability. And then she wanted us to understand why we were going to get in trouble. We got spanked, but my mom never hit us in anger. She would tell us, Go to your room and think about whatever it is that you did. I would think that we were going to our room so that she could continue to torture us, but what she was doing was giving herself time to calm down. 

Her having us take a time-out was really her taking a time-out. And that really helped because she never hit us in anger, and she would only hit us three times. So we got my mom didn’t really use a belt, but like a yardstick or the spoon or like a paddle. And she only hit you three times. POW, POW, POW. That was it. Then she wanted to pray with you and hug you, and you were like, do not touch me. You just beat my butt. I do not want to hug right now. But that was typical. That was how my mom spanked. And so I never was, like, afraid of my mom. I never felt abused by my mom. She never hit us in the face. I never got slapped. She did pop me in the mouth one time because I had a mouth.

When Your Parenting Vision Fails

Shaun and I were both raised on “spare the rod, spoil the child.” Shaun says, “I think for that time frame, it worked. Things have changed over the years. You may not be able to spank like that today, but I really think that played a huge part back in those days because you really thought about doing something before you did it. If it was, man, the consequences of this, if I get caught, I’m going to know I’m going to be in some trouble.” For me (Dana), when we got married, my whole thing was I wanted to be like this new age parent that did time-outs and gentle parenting. I used to watch The Super Nanny all the time! I did not want to spank, not because I was abused or anything, but I just thought there must be a better way than hitting your child to get them to behave. So I wanted to have conversations with a two-year old. I wanted to try to do all these things. And so not only did I not spank in the beginning, but I did not discipline at all.

ALSO READ: WHAT IS YOUR PARENTING VISION?

Chris, bless his heart, was an absolute terror. And so I remember I was so frustrated because he would not listen, and I remember there’s one day I was sitting on the stairs, we used to live in this townhouse, and I was sitting on the stairs and I called my mom and I was literally crying on the phone. I’m like, Mom, Christopher won’t listen to me. And I was like, do you think he doesn’t listen to me because we’re young? And she was like, he doesn’t listen to you because you don’t beat his tail. Like you don’t spank him. And then y’all, literally the next day I was like, I am done with gentle parenting! And it went from like, I never spanked Chris to Chris was getting spanked over everything. And so I literally overnight went from one end of the pendulum to the other end. And obviously, my parenting style changed some more when we added Kayla, Corey, and Colin to our crew.  

Your Values Affect How You Discipline

Often, couples disagree because they value different things. Shaun and I disagreed both on the rules and what the punishment should be.

Dana: I feel like you are like the fun parent. You’re like the fun parent and you don’t have a lot of rules. I believe in rules and structure and boundaries and responsibility and accountability. Doesn’t that sound fun? Right? So the kids obviously gravitate to you more because you’re the fun parent who’s going to let them get away with everything. And I’m like the responsible parent who makes sure that everyone stays alive and eats healthy food. And there’s always been that tension, I think, because of course kids are going to come to you because they’re going to get their way with you. 

And then I always feel like the bad guy because I have to lay some kind of order up in this place. So even though you’re like a fun parent that lets them do whatever they want, I feel like you have these times where you just become like this strong disciplinarian out of nowhere. And I’m always like, I’m a very reasonable person. So I’m like, I’m trying to reason with the kids and letting them know. I want them to know why the rule is in place. There is a balance between “we make the rules and you follow them,” and this current generation’s need to make sense of what they are being asked to do. Shaun emphasizes that these kids don’t have the life experience you do and may not get it until they’re older, which I understand.

Your Definition of Discipline Affects How You Discipline

You guys are hearing one of me and Shaun’s conversations in real time on why we disagree on the whole “Should you reason with your kids or should you not?” Let me just say this. I think that when we’re talking about discipline, we have to first understand that the root word of discipline is disciple, which is to teach. So if you are thinking, okay, this whole discipline thing is just about punishment, then you’re going to miss the mark. It’s not just about punishment. It’s also primarily about teaching your kids. So this is why, again, one of the reasons that I like to talk to them and explain things to them is because you’re teaching them, just giving them an arbitrary rule and saying, you can’t do this, and, oh, well, if you don’t agree with it, you’ll be 18 one day. I just feel like that’s so ineffective.

I guess what I’m trying to say is you use the analogy with the police officer. The police officer is pulling you over because you broke a rule that you already knew about. Right? So if we’re giving our children a rule, we’re giving it to them. They’ve never had this rule before. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying, Hey, you guys, for example, our kids are not allowed to eat upstairs, okay? We don’t want bugs, we don’t want spills. You can eat downstairs. You can eat in the dining room, the kitchen. You can eat downstairs, but you cannot eat upstairs. We’ve explained to them why, right? So we didn’t just say nobody eats upstairs and we don’t even eat upstairs.

So I feel like to tell your children this is the rule and this is why, isn’t a big deal. Now, if they want to sit there and argue with you, well, oh, my friend down the street gets to eat upstairs and, oh, I’m not going to spill anything, and we’re going back and forth, then, yeah, it can be a problem, but I just don’t see that there’s a problem with you explaining the rule. This is what the rule is, and this is why I feel like kids are going to be more apt to obey them if they realize the logic. And yes, they’re not always going to realize the logic. I get that. But at least making an attempt as a parent to say, this is why this rule is in place, I can.

Disciplining Conflicts Can Affect Your Marriage

Marriage issues can start through disagreements in regard to discipline. 

Shaun: I think one of the problems with us was really when one would make a decision on discipline without including the other or just make a decision. Then if I made a decision, you would just have to kind of go along with it if you didn’t agree with it or vice versa, without talking first, and we might not agree or feel the same about it. 

Dana: Another point of disagreement is you think I’m strict and I think you’re too lenient, but that may depend on the topic at hand safety versus eating habits. Another area is requiring accountability and responsibility, but not enforcing consequences. Both parents need to enforce discipline. When I’m coaching couples, I’m saying, okay, this is how we draw boundaries. You have to state what the boundary is, and then you have to state what the consequence is if that boundary is violated. So for example, if your boundary is you are not going to speak to me disrespectfully, then you have to say that to your spouse or your partner or whomever, “You are not going to speak to me disrespectfully, or I will walk out of the room”, or I will not pursue a conversation, or I will have to end this relationship, whatever it might be. That is clear communication. 

ALSO LISTEN TO: THE POWER OF CONFLICT: HOW DISAGREEMENTS CAN STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

What To Do When You Disagree On How To Discipline The Kids

I asked Shaun if you had to tell a couple who disagreed about how to discipline or teach their children how they can actually move forward even when they disagree on the actual discipline, what would your answer be? He stated, “One thing we decided years ago was to not disagree in front of the children…it’s give and take. So you’re not always going to agree, but some things you have your absolutes. And so if it’s an absolute for a certain person, then you go with that and then you discuss it in private. And then if you can come to a different agreement, the one who made that stance goes back and changes it. So I think that’s one thing for us that really helped us and listening to our older kids say, man, we never seen mom and dad disagree or argue in front of us. And they always talk about everything. They tell each other everything. You’re setting an example, not even really knowing it. And by that, you don’t have to worry about certain disagreements or if one of them comes to you, like, mom said this, let me talk to mom about it and I get back to you and stuff like that. So that’s one thing we’ve done”.

Shaun: Yeah, we actually have done a really good job. I know Cayla said the other day (talking about us) that she knows Mom and Dad, they’re in unity on everything. And I was whoa.

Dana: Okay, good. Okay. Shaun, like, I want to high-five you. Because I don’t feel like we always are. I feel like we definitely have disagreements, but the fact that our kids see us as a united front, I think, is so great. It’s so important. And you’re right. There’ll be times that you might say something to the kids. Now inside, I’m like, oh, my gosh, I completely disagree with that or that’s too this, that’s too lenient or that’s too much or whatever it is. But we’re not going to sit there and have that conversation in front of them because that, I think, does so many things.

One, it makes your kids feel insecure because they’re like, I’m going to have to choose a side. Kids don’t like to see their parents disagree. And not that you never have disagreements. We have disagreements sometimes, but for you to disagree in front of them openly, that makes them feel insecure. Two, they find the weakest link. That’s just a kid’s specialty, is to find the weakest link in their parents and then to play that, to take advantage of that. So I think when we are saying, okay, you know what? We’re going to present a united front and then we give each other those looks, like we’ll talk about this later. We’ll talk about this in the bedroom. That is super important. 

Your Spouse is Your Most Important Relationship

It’s very key to parenting, when one person feels a certain way and they view something a certain way to communicate it, and for the other spouse to listen to their concerns. I think if I had a biggest takeaway or word of wisdom, it would just be to understand that your spouse also has different values and there are certain things that are really important to your spouse that might not be important to you. So don’t belittle those things. 

Shaun: However, it also has to be give and take because it can’t always be, oh, I’m not comfortable with that. And then you’re going to get frustrated. So you guys have to be able to communicate about things. And like I said, if they’re adamant, talk it out and try and understand why said spouse is adamant about this thing. Maybe there’s a fear that you can calm or ways that you can show like, okay, I hear you, I understand you. What if we tried this? What if we tried this or something? Don’t just disagree. Have a solution behind your disagreement. Be ready to come to a truce if needed. 

I think at the end of the day, we say this to our kids all the time, I knew Dad or I knew Mom before I knew you. And when you’re gone, your spouse is still going to be here. So what you all are not going to do is come in between our relationship. And I think that there are so many couples, so many marriages that they allow their kids to come in between them because of these disagreements. And that’s just unfortunate because at the end of the day, your spouse is the most important relationship, not your child. I’m going to say that again because I just hurt somebody’s feelings. I know somebody just turned me off. Right now. Your spouse is your most important relationship, not your child.

So, we didn’t spit a whole bunch of advice, per se, but the takeaways are communicate, communicate. But also know that you’re not alone. And know that there are other couples who are disagreeing over how to discipline their children. There’s no perfect way. There’s no best solution. And the more kids you have, the more opportunities you have to get it right. We tell Chris all the time, our oldest, you were our experimentation child. We didn’t know what the heck we were doing. And then the second kid comes along and you’re like, oh, okay, well, I figured that out. But then the second kid is way different than the first. So then you’ve got that whole thing. Anyway you guys, thank you so much for listening today! So as we end every episode in saying, A good relationship is not one that works. A good relationship is one where you put in the work. Let’s get to work, my friends!

These show notes are an abridged version of the audio podcast. Be sure to listen to the full episode to get all the nuggets! 

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