Loving Your Kids Through Their Bad Choices (Marriage & Family Series)
This episode is going to be really simple. I’m gonna give you four practical steps on how to love your kids through their bad choices. I know for sure that if you’re dealing with something in your life, then chances are that a friend, a family member, or someone in your circle of influence is also dealing with the same thing. And sometimes people share our problems with us, and we’re like, oh my gosh. You know, that’s heavy. I’m gonna pray for you. I’m gonna support you. I’m gonna see how I can be there for you. And that’s all well and fine, but here’s a resource right here that you can share with another parent who might be struggling as their kids are making some not-so-great choices. So let’s dive in, and please share this episode.
1 – Your Child’s Choices Are Not About You
You need to understand that when your children are making choices that are not good, they’re making harmful choices, they’re making destructive choices, maybe they’re dating somebody that you don’t necessarily care for, or maybe they’re actually abusing substances, or they’re addicted to some sort of substance, and you can’t fix it for them. You can’t change it. Maybe your child is involved in an abusive relationship, or maybe they are lying all the time. Maybe they’re a little six-year-old, or seven-year-old, and they’re constantly lying. They’re doing something that goes against the values that you raise them in or that goes against your values today. I just want you to think about this in very practical terms. Get a situation or something in your mind. Let’s not make this, like, real out there. Let’s bring it in, let’s bring it close, and let’s be real real with each other today. Okay?
If you have been walking in shame, condemnation, some sort of self-loathing, or even self-hatred or regret, I just wanna release you from that today. Your child is responsible for their choices. So whether they’ve told you that, whether God-forbid, your spouse has told you that, whether you have told yourself that; your child’s choices, are not about you.
There are times in our kids’ lives when their choices have caused Shaun and me great pain. Their choices have brought us to our knees. Their choices have made us question everything that we’ve done as parents. Well, we could feel like the worst parents in the world because of some of the choices that our kids have made. The first thing that I want you to know today is that Your children’s choices are not about you. Number one, it’s not about you. I think of God, He was the perfect parent with no mistakes, no issues, and look how his kids turned out! Your children make choices that don’t necessarily reflect your parenting.
2- Your Child’s Choices Are Not About Them
The second thing that you need to know is that your child’s choices are not about them. The choices are not what’s most important. Your child’s choices are not about them. It’s really about whom you will choose to become through their choices or because of their choices. You see, whether you’re in a marriage where your spouse is making decisions that are hurting you your spouse is being selfish or your spouse is maybe somehow neglecting you, right, those choices that they’re making reveal something in you. Whom are you going to become as a result of the choices that the people in your life are making? When your children do things that are off the rails, when your children do things that disappoint you, when your children do things that anger you or that hurt you, you have a choice. You get to choose who you’re gonna be. With your kiddos, separate the two and also understand that their choices ARE NOT their identity. I think that what’s more powerful is to tell your child you are not identified by your choices. You might do some things that are wrong, and you might struggle in some areas of your life, but you are not that. And so your child’s choices are not about them.
3- Your Child’s Choices Are Not About The Choice
It’s not about the choice, it’s about the person. Going back to what I just said, your child is not their choice. Your child is a whole person outside of that one choice, I was a good Christian girl, and I kinda say that sometimes tongue and cheek, like, I was a poster child for Christianity. But the truth of the matter is I was an honor roll student. I was in college at seventeen years old. I had a job. I had good friendships. I cleaned my room. I was responsible. Like, I was doing a lot of good things. But I made this choice that derailed my future somewhat, And so I think that when we make it so much about the choice, the choice, the choice. Oh my god. I can’t believe you did this thing. I can’t believe you did this thing, then what happens is we lose sight of the whole person.
One of my friends told me this analogy years ago. I never forgot it. She said, she has five kids, and her kids have been through some stuff, some stuff. Okay? And she told me this analogy. She said, Dana, when my kids are making choices and decisions that I don’t approve of, she said, I look at it almost like when they were little and they were trying on clothes. They would go in their little toy box or their dress-up box, and they would try on all these costumes. And They would wear the costumes for a little while, and they would get tired of it, and they would take it off, and they would go put something else on, and they would put something else on it. And she was like, I’ve always looked at my parenting as, you know what, my child is just gonna try that thing on, but it doesn’t make them who they are. Then what really, what we do is we make their identity about their choice, and it’s not about the choice. It’s about the person who your child is becoming just like their choice is also about who you are becoming.
It’s also about whom your child is becoming. So I love the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke chapter 15. If you’ve never read that, I wanna encourage you to read that. Long story short, there was a very wealthy man whose son asked for his inheritance before his father’s death, which was a very poor decision that surely grieved the father. The son went out and squandered it all away. He became poor, destitute, and utterly desperate. When he came to his senses, he returned to his father’s home, and if you know the story, you know that his father runs out to meet him, embraces him, puts a ring on his finger, puts a royal robe on him, kills the fatted calf, and throws a huge party! So why am I telling you this? It’s because That father had enough insight to know that his son’s choice did not define his son. His son had a really bad moment and made a really bad decision that definitely hurt his father and cost them financially. But that unconditional love, that embrace, that, you know what . . . yeah, you’ve made a real big mess of some things, but come here. Come here. You’re my baby. You’re my child. You’re my son. I love you regardless of what you’re doing. That is radical love. and that is what our kids need to experience!
4 – It’s Not The End Of The Story
This is a thing that I think gives me the most hope because regardless of what’s going on in your world, regardless of what’s going on with your children, it is not the end of their story! We are living in such a world where people are literally dying because they have no hope for tomorrow. Teen suicide is at an all-time high because these kids feel like there’s no hope. I’m in this situation, and I’ll never get out of it. As parents, we have to let our kids know that’s not the end of your story. Your story. Hey. Listen. You’re seventeen years old. You’re on chapter 2 of your story. You’re thirty-five years old. You’re on chapter five of your story. This is not the end of your story, it’s just a season. And what happens with seasons? Seasons change. Seasons come and seasons go. So if your child is making some choices that are breaking your heart, how you love your child is you remember that it’s not about you. It’s not about them. It’s not about the choice. And it is not the end of the story!
These show notes are an abridged version of the audio podcast. Be sure to listen to the full episode to get all the nuggets!
LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Episode 157: When You Disagree on How to Discipline the Kids
Episode 159: How Putting Your Kids First Harms Your Marriage
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