213: Help! My Husband Isn’t Interested in Working on Our Marriage

Feb 6, 2024

Help! My Husband Isn’t Interested in Working on Our Marriage

Working on your marriage where your husband appears disinterested in investing effort can be a frustrating and disheartening experience. In this episode, my hubby, Shaun, and I explore practical strategies to address struggling marriages and how both spouses can work together to alleviate their marriage problems by both putting in the necessary energy and effort.

Before delving into solutions, it’s crucial to understand the heart of the matter. Shaun suggests wives take a moment to reflect on when they first noticed the change in their husband’s engagement. Identify potential triggers or stressors that might have contributed to his disinterest. This understanding will help wives to tailor their approach to rebuilding the connection.

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It Starts With You

In this season when your husband won’t work on the marriage, it’s wise to allow him to navigate his journey independently. Recognize that change is a deeply personal (and vulnerable) process. Refrain from pushing or “calling out” every mistake, problem, or shift. Sometimes, stepping back and fostering an environment of individual growth can lead to unexpected transformations. In other words, it starts with you. Trust the process, focus on your personal well-being and growth opportunities, and allow your husband the space he needs to change at his own pace.

It’s in these moments of self-discovery that spouses often find the strength and motivation to actively contribute to the growth of the relationship. No one wants to feel like they’re always on the chopping block so to speak. Embrace the journey and remember, that personal healing lays the foundation for a stronger, more resilient partnership. While working on the marriage, prioritize personal growth for both yourself and your husband. Simultaneously, focus on you. There are enough issues for you to work on within yourself rather than focusing on what your spouse needs to work on.

Prioritize Self-Care

I talk about self-care a lot. It’s more than spa days and bubble baths. When you’re in a struggling marriage, it’s easy to forget the importance of self-care. When was the last time you invested time in activities that genuinely brought you joy and fulfillment? Learning to love yourself might sound cliche, but it’s necessary when trying to repair a marriage. It will help you to foster resilience and strength. Whether it’s seeking support from friends, joining a community (like Thrive Wives), or engaging in activities that ignite your passion, self-care becomes the cornerstone of personal growth. Remember, even if your husband won’t work on the marriage, you can work on you.

Set Boundaries When Your Husband Won’t Work on the Marriage

Establish healthy boundaries, especially when your husband won’t work on the marriage. Communicate your needs and expectations. This is #Boundaries101. When you do this, remember to foster an environment of mutual respect (i.e. it’s not all about you). Sometimes, you may find yourself surrounded by people who no longer align with your values or contribute positively to your well-being. Recognizing when it’s time to evaluate and, if necessary, distance yourself from certain friends and influences. Assess the value each relationship brings into your life and prioritize quality over quantity. Let go of friendships that no longer serve a purpose, creating space for new, meaningful connections. This is hard to do, but if you have friends who are complicit in tearing your husband down or not “calling you up” as they should, it’s time to consider if that friendship is viable.

Find Healing in a Supportive Community

I started Thrive Wives because I grew immensely from a small group of wives I connected with over a decade ago. When my marriage was at its lowest, these women prayed for me, challenged me, supported me, and encouraged me. I don’t know where I’d be today if it weren’t for them. Connecting with other women who are navigating similar challenges can offer encouragement, shared wisdom, and a sense of solidarity. You’ll find understanding hearts, empathetic ears, and a network of individuals dedicated to fostering growth and healing in these spaces. Together, you can gain strength, and realize that you’re not alone on your marriage journey.

Seek Professional Guidance

Consider seeking professional help, such as a marriage coach or even individual therapy if necessary. A neutral third party can provide valuable insights and offer guidance on effective communication and conflict resolution. Marriage coaching creates a structured environment for addressing underlying issues in the marriage and finding constructive solutions for a pathway forward.

Conclusion:

Trying to work on a marriage where your husband isn’t interested requires patience, open communication, grace, and a commitment to personal and relational growth. By understanding the root of the issue, rekindling the emotional connection, and joining forces with a supportive community, you can work toward rebuilding a strong and fulfilling marriage. Lastly, even if you’re the only willing partner, when you change your step in the marriage dance, so to speak, your husband will have to change his step too if he wants to continue dancing with you.