Ep. 30 – Commuter Marriage: How Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder – with Abe and Elaine Romero

Mar 9, 2021

Commuter Marriage: How Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Today, I’m talking with Abe & Elaine Romero about the pros and cons of commuter marriages. The Romeros have been living apart for their entire four-year marriage and plan to continue their unique marriage arrangement for at least another four years. We’ve all heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but why? The Romeros have figured it out. Both previously divorced, Abe and Elaine decided to keep their own houses in separate states (he lives in Texas, she lives in California) after they got married mostly because of their shared five children. They didn’t think it was fair to uproot the kids, especially after they’d all been through hard divorces.

We talk all about their decision to maintain separate lives while also coming together often. It’s the classic case of how absence can make the heart grow fonder, not farther. A marriage and family therapist with Safe Harbor Counseling Center, Elaine knows a thing or two about how to create a successful relationship.

Commuter Marriage Pros and Cons

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With anything in life, there will be pros and cons . . . reasons why you should and shouldn’t do something. Elaine explained that one of the pros of their commuter marriage is the excitement of being together. We married people tend to take each other for granted, so the absence actually helps make their times together more meaningful. Both Abe and Elaine spoke of having a deeper connection and better sex when they get together.

On the flip side, living apart presents its challenges as well. The biggest challenge being the loss of physical connection. That hug, squeeze, or comforting shoulder to cry on isn’t there. There’s also the trust factor. I asked the Romeros if they had trust issues, and they both answered very honestly. Elaine has experienced infidelity in her past marriage, so trust issues can be a trigger for her. She referenced Susan Johnson, who is a known proponent of emotionally-focused therapy, as saying, “The true warriors are those who sign up again after past betrayals.” The truth is trust can be an issue whether you’re in the same house or not.

Getting Creative While Living Apart

One of my favorite parts of our conversation was hearing how the Romeros use the absence to make their hearts grow fonder by getting creative with date nights. Abe explained how the couple will do “who plated it best” contests. They’ll cook the same meal together on the phone and then show each other how they plated it. How fun! The families also do family movie nights, family Zoom calls, and even online tours (they’ve been to Italy virtually!) and online concerts.

We laughed a lot during this podcast conversation, and I remarked to Elaine, later, that it felt like we were just old friends chatting on the phone. Laughter is truly some good medicine and can be yet another thing that makes the heart grow stronger, especially when you’re apart.