Confidence or Cockiness? 

Have you ever asked yourself (or someone else) what’s the difference between being confident and being cocky? Yesterday, Shaun and I had this convo as we sank our toes into the gorgeous, powdery-white beaches of Aruba. The blue-green water sparkled like carats of diamonds in front of the full sun. We are truly in paradise this week, and though my Samsung Galaxy’s camera impresses me on the regular, it doesn’t do this scenery justice. I do some of my best creative thinking out on the beach, which is why owning a condo on a tropical beach is on every dream board, vision board, imagination station (or whatever else you want to call it) of mine.

So back to our conversation . . . I told Shaun that confidence is frowned upon in some Christian circles. We hear lots of talk about humility and preferring others, but not a lot of talk about confidence. A pastor told me recently, “Dana, you’re very confident, and to some people, that is going to come across as cocky.” Sadly, I wasn’t surprised. My pastor-friend wasn’t calling me cocky, but was simply reminding me of the imbalance of some people’s perception when it comes to true confidence. 

Confidence: The Dance with Humility

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Here’s the thing: confidence is a character strength. It is not in competition with humility. 

Don’t believe me? Who said Moses was the humblest man who ever lived? Moses! Moses wrote the first five books of the Bible. I wonder what my Facebook comment section would look like if my latest post was, “What’s up fam? Checking in real quick to let you know I am the most humble person you will ever meet.” But Moses said it. King David was another one. Or shall I say before David became king as he was about to slay Goliath the giant? David talked “mad junk” to Goliath before taking his head off. His confidence is one of the reasons he was greatly loved by everyone. He was confident AND humble. I could go on and on about Jesus Christ himself, Paul, and others in the Bible who mastered the dance of humility and confidence. 

So where did it go wrong? Why is confidence treated like humility’s annoying little stepsister? More importantly, how do you walk the balance of the two?

Confidence Relies on Trust

For as long as I can remember, Shaun has always opened the door for me. I’m so used to it that I will literally stand in front of a closed door and wait for him to come up behind me to open it. I had this epiphany yesterday that that is the very essence of confidence and humility! See, I told you my greatest revelations happen on a tropical beach! Confidence is faith in a nutshell. I am so confident (not cocky) that God will open doors for me that I don’t think twice about it. He always has. So, by faith, I walk up to opportunity (because I know faith without works is dead – James 2:26) and wait for God to open to the door. 

Cockiness busts through the door on its own. Cockiness opens its own doors and then brags about it to everyone. Confidence doesn’t need to boast.It’s quiet, not because it’s timid or weak, but because evidence doesn’t need to shout. It can clearly be seen by everyone.

There are so many Scriptures about confidence, but because this is a blog and not a bible study, I am going to encourage you and Google to find them on your own. Bottom line: God wants you to be confident! He wants you to be confident in your marriage, your relationships, your ministry, your dreams, and in yourself.

ALSO READ: You Should Go and Love Yourself

I will be honest with you. I often struggle with building my brand online. Most marketers teach “self-promotion.” Talk about yourself, your achievements, your wins, etc. It gets sickening. And in this morning’s Bible reading, I see why. Proverbs 25:28 reminds us to “not seek glory after glory.” Elsewhere in the same chapter, it talks of becoming sickened by too much “sweetness” (vs. 16). We literally become sick of other people constantly talking about themselves. That’s cockiness. 

From Cocky to Confident

So, what do you do if you’ve found yourself being cocky or arrogant and know you need to dial back to confidence? First, stop talking about yourself so much! Because I run a relationship blog, I talk about my marriage . . .  a lot. Whenever I feel like it’s too much, I dial back. Here’s another thing that helps me: I don’t only share the good. I share the bad, the screwy decisions, my attitude issues, our lack of patience with each other, etc. I paint a real picture, because marriage is not all roses and butterflies. 

Being REAL is integral to confidence. You’re not pretending to be something you’re not. You’re not puffing yourself, your relationship or your stories up. You’re just real. It’s one of the things that people like most about me (hmmm, that’s sounds a bit like a Moses moment, huh?). But it’s true! When you’re real, your true confidence can shine through.

Proverbs 27:2 says it best: “Don’t brag about yourself–let others praise you” (CEV). Another translation says, “Let another praise you and not your own mouth . . .” Sadly, this is in direct conflict with what our culture teaches and models for us today. Children of the light, pay attention. 

Well, the sunny streets of Aruba are beckoning my presence (pics at the bottom), so back to vacation I go. I hope this message encourages you to be confident and stay humble. Shine bright and remember, no need to tell everyone; we can already see.

ALSO READ: Winning at Marriage