Creating a Culture of Honor at Home

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If I were to ask what the words “culture of honor” mean to you, what comes to mind? Maybe you think of showing someone a deep level of respect. Or, perhaps, you think of giving some well-deserving loved one an extravagant gift. Some of us think of our parents’ favorite 10 Commandment: Children honor your father and mother. If your parents were like mine, they stressed, So your days may be long upon the earth.  Funny that I find myself stressing the latter part of this Scripture to my kids, too.

Maybe you’ve never before heard the exact phrasing culture of honor. Just look around, Americans do not exactly idealize this kind of teaching. As a matter of fact, we tend to hear messages like: You show me respect, I’ll show you respect; Respect is earned not given; Honor those who honor you; and so forth. Respect and honor are similar; however, they are not twins. They’re more like cousins. They stem from the same tree, but there are differences.

The Differences Between Honor and Respect

One of the main characteristics honor and respect share is that neither of them requires any action on the other person’s part. You givehonor, and you giverespect. Contrary to popular belief, neither are earned. We show respect for military service members, police officers, the elderly, etc. simply because of who they are.

Honor, however, ups the ante. Honor goes above respect. For example, a father comes home from working a long shift. A respectful family appreciates his sacrifice and his dedication to provide. But can you see this in action? Maybe. Maybe not. A family who practices a culture of honor, however, will act honorably toward the father. By act, I mean you should see some action. Maybe the family cleans the house before the father comes home, because they know their dad/husband hates clutter. The act of cleaning the house says, “We love you. We respect your needs, and we want to show you how much you mean to us.”

We respect the military service members for what they do. We honor them by giving them discounted services, standing or saluting when they walk into a room and celebrating them with special holidays. Get my drift?

Now, what does all this have to do with relationships or families?

Honor is Caught not Taught

You’ve probably heard the saying, “More is caught than taught.” This is certainly true in the case of honor. Many of us didn’t grow up in homes where honor was practiced. Some of us grew up in hostile or dysfunctional homes even, so it can be hard to imagine and put this “culture of honor thing” into practice. I am an old soul. I dream of family dynamics like I saw on shows like Leave it to Beaver. And every Thursday night, I was glued to my TV for my weekly fix of The Cosby Show. These shows promoted the family values I desperately longed for as a child, and as a little old lady trapped in a little girl’s body, I ate it up!

I love how Claire Huxtable treated Cliff. She was her own woman: accomplished, highly educated and secure. She practiced self-care, and she didn’t lose herself just because she was a mom. Claire was my she-ro. But she loved her man, too. She would rub Cliff’s feet, sit and talk with him after a long days’ work and most importantly, she taught her kids to honor their father. As a young, black woman growing up without many live examples of honor, the Huxtables were a lifeline for me.

So how do we teach our kids to practice honor? How do we build a culture of honor in our homes?

5 Steps to Practicing Honor at Home

1. It starts with you.

We can’t expect our kids to do something we’re not doing. It’s like telling your kids to make their beds while your sheets are dragging the floor. You have to practice what you preach. If you want your kids to show you (or your spouse) honor, you have to go first.

2. Honor your children.

By go first, I also mean you must honor your children. I know what you’re thinking: Honor them? Everything they eat is me honoring them. The bed they’re sleeping in, the lights they use, the electronics I buy them. The . . . I know, I know. We do a lot for our kids. But honor goes above and beyond providing for their needs.

Creative Ways to Honor Your Kids

• Give them your undivided attention. Ya’ll, my kids can talk! And talk and talk. I have to literally force myself sometimes to stay engaged in their thirty-minute conversations. But every time I do, I honor them.
• Let them emote. If you grew up like me, your emotions were not always validated. Heck, your emotions might not have even been acknowledged. You can change the tide, though. Let your kids show genuine emotion, respectfully, of course.
• Let them make decisions. Your kids will never learn how to make good decisions if you make all of their decisions. Yes, they’ll choose wrong sometimes. You do too. So, give them space and give them grace to grow.
• Build them up. When’s the last time you complimented your child for who he/she is? Telling her you’re proud that she got a good grade, or posting on social media a picture of your son winning a championship isn’t the same as honoring him for who he is as a person: his character, her integrity.

3. Honor your spouse.

You should never, and I mean never, put down your spouse, especially in front of your kids. I cringe when I hear spouses cutting each other down. It’s one of the worst things you can do for your marriage. Your kids need to see and hear you honor each other in practical ways.

4. Honor yourself.

Ya’ll know, I am a stateswoman for self-care. I believe in it with every fiber in me. If you don’t honor yourself, you can’t expect anyone else to. You honor yourself by taking time to do things you love. We have got to dismiss this notion that self-care is selfish or impractical. If Mama ain’t happy, no one is happy! Take care of yourself, girl!

5. Be intentional.

Practicing a culture of honor at home doesn’t happen by chance. We have to intentionally create the emotional atmosphere we want in our homes. Use this list and then add to it some additional ways you can show honor to those you love.

Christian author and psychologist Danny Silk says, “A culture of honor is created as a community of people who learn to see others in their God-given identities.” Did you get that? We honor each other because we are all created in the image of God. Every human being is worthy of dignity and honor not in spite of his/her humanity, but because of it.

What are some practical ways you can show honor to those you love?