Daddy Issues –Overcoming the Pain and Forging a Way Forward

Millions of Americans will celebrate Father’s Day this weekend while millions more will be reminded of the pain their own daddy issues bring up around this time of year. Maybe you find yourself in the latter group. I can identify with you. Just the other day, my daughter, Cayla, asked me how I used to celebrate Father’s Day a kid (she knows my story of not having my dad in my life). I told her it was just another day . . . Actually, it was a day when I was reminded that I didn’t have the very thing I longed most for as a child—a loving dad. As a child, I didn’t realize I had a father wound. According to Focus on the Family, these “daddy issues” or father wounds are caused by neglect, absence, withholding love, control or abuse.

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Getting Healed

A few months ago, I went to a conference called Cleansing Stream. This conference is offered at my church and helps people deal with and overcome wounds from past emotional trauma. All of us pastors were asked to go through the program as participants so that we are better equipped to help our church members deal with their pain. 

I spend quite a bit of time working on my own emotional health, and although I know I’ve struggled in the past with daddy issues, I didn’t expect to feel the rush of emotions I felt during one particular portion of the workshop. One of the facilitators, a rather large man, who had some of the kindest eyes I’ve ever seen, told the crowd that he had the “gift of giving hugs.” Instantly, I knew I needed to get a hug from this man. 

I could not think of one time where I had ever gotten a real, fatherly hug from my dad. After I received prayer from a woman up front, I tapped the man on his shoulder and allowed myself to melt in the warmth of his embrace. I can’t even explain how healing that hug was. And I thought, no child should ever go his/her whole life without that feeling. 

Overcoming Daddy Issues

I wish I could snap my fingers and all your father wounds/daddy issues would be gone. But we both know that won’t happen. Prayer helps as you go through the process of healing. But healing can last a long time, especially if the wound is really deep. 

One of my childhood besties lost her father to cancer when she was three years old. She spent our entire childhood grieving over her loss. Even though she was very young when her dad died, she had developed such a bond with him that would never be filled. She and I could relate to the pain of the absence of our fathers and would share stories of how we spent Father’s Day busying ourselves from the constant reminder that we were missing out on the one thing we both wanted so desperately. 

For some of you, it’s not just the absence of a father, but maybe the abuse from a father that riddles your memories. Maybe you feel stuck in the constant cycle of pain and the seeming inability to completely forgive. You know in your heart that forgiveness will set you free, but you just can’t seem to do it. What has helped me to forgive and get unstuck is looking at how my heavenly Father forgives me. Psalm 103 describes God the Father as “compassionate and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in love (vs. 8). He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve (vs. 10), and he considers how frail we really are (vs. 14). 

The best way forward is through grace. Grace doesn’t simply cover; it exonerates. We can’t show true grace by our own efforts, though. It takes a revelation of God’s love for us in order for us to demonstrate this love to others. 

So, this Father’s Day, my prayer for you is that you will experience the kindness of God—his loving, watchful eyes—and that your daddy issues will melt away in his presence.