Don’t Judge: Look Beneath the Surface

 

If I were to ask you who the most judgmental person you know is, who would be the first person to come to mind? If you have a name in your mind, you have failed the test! That, my friend, is judging.

Even though we hear, “Don’t judge,” let’s be real. We all judge. We judge the integrity of our boss at work by her four-hour workday. We judge the intentions of our social media friend by all her annoyingly sweet posts. We judge the overweight mom on the PTA by how many bake sales she volunteers to “coordinate.” We judge the lady across the street who cuts her grass in a bikini. We judge the two men who live in the other house across the street who claim they’re just “roommates.” We judge all day, every day. And we do it so quickly and easily, we hardly notice.

Is All Judging Wrong?

But is all judgment wrong? Aren’t there times when we should judge others (Hello, Ted Bundy victims)?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this whole judgmental issue. We go around saying, “The Bible says, ‘Don’t judge.’”  But what does the Word (i.e. Jesus) actually say? Did Jesus really say, “Don’t judge”? As a matter of fact, in John 7:24, Jesus says, “Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.” I take this Scripture to mean, Look deeper. Don’t judge by external factors. Take a moment and get to the heart of the matter.

The boss – Maybe your boss doesn’t work long office hours, because she works more efficiently from home or maybe she is also caring for an ailing parent.

The overweight PTA lady – Maybe this woman actually suffers from hypothyroidism and not just “greedism” and is terribly embarrassed by her condition.

The bikini-clad neighbor – Maybe Ms. Perfect Body actually has low self-esteem and thinks dressing inappropriately is the only way to get attention.

The “roommates” – Maybe they really are just roommates, or maybe they are gay but know the rejection they’d receive from the other neighbors, so they hide.

Look beneath the surface so you can judge correctly.

We don’t know. I shudder at all the times I have judged someone too quickly without knowing her/his story. If we just take a moment to talk to people and try to get to know their stories, we will be much less likely to judge. This is what it means to “look beneath the surface.”

Judging in Relationships

We also judge the people we’re in relationships with. Husbands judge wives. Wives judge husbands. Parents judge their kids, and kids judge their parents. With so much judgment flying around, it’s a wonder any of us have any successful relationships at all!

Here are three quick ways to avoid judging others, especially those in relationship with you.

1. Pursue Justice

Some synonyms for the word justice are fairness, objectivity, equity and honesty.When we are pursuing justice, we put our own tainted opinions and prejudices aside.I find it interesting that court judges are also called justices. Written into the very fabric of their job description is the idea that they will be fair.

How this works in relationships– Every parent knows you’re not supposed to pick favorites when it comes to your children, right? But every parent also has that one child that, if you’re honest, you like a teensy bit more than the others, and it’s usually the kid that’s most like you. A bunch of narcissists we are!

So let’s say little Jon Jon (your fave) gets in a fight with his brother. Because you know your kids, you’ve already made a judgment about what has happened, who did what and what the punishment will be. When Jon Jon bursts into your room to tell on his brother, you comfort him and scold the other boy before he even has a chance to tell you what happened.

That, my friend, is judging. And it’s your own kid. Shame on you. In all seriousness, though, the better response is to remain non-partial until the facts come out, and you can decipher the real truth.

2. Love Mercy

At the risk of you judging me, I will tell you that mercy is not one of my highest spiritual gifts. Actually, I tend to score scary close to zero on those spiritual gifts assessments when it comes to mercy. It’s not that I’m a mean person, but I have a very strong sense of right and wrong. Things are black or white to me; there’s not a lot of gray. So I have had to work hard rely on God’s grace to help me be more merciful.

How this works in relationships– Your husband has forgotten to pay the utility bill . . . again. But this time, right as Jack from This is Usis about to drop another sappily sweet one-liner on Kate, your TV turns off. As a matter of fact, everything in the house goes black. The doggone power is out! You look outside to make sure your neighbors are affected too, but they aren’t! It’s just your house. Now you’re pissed. It’s 90 degrees outside (even at night). Your husband is working late (again) in a nicely air-conditioned office, yet you are at home in the hot, dark, Jack-less house.

Judgment statements are thoughts like, He’s so inconsiderate. Why is he so irresponsible? What a fool I married. While most of us would never say these words to our husbands (I hope!), do we think them?

Your husband walks in a few minutes later. What are you going to do?

I know what I would do! But the right answer is you are going to love mercy. You aren’t going to frame him, blame him or shame him. It was a mistake. A terribly, inconvenient mistake, but still, a mistake. You show mercy by overlooking wrongs.

3. Walk Humbly

Sadly, humility is quickly becoming a lost character trait in our society. We’re always told to “Do you,” “Get yours,” and “Don’t care what anyone else thinks.” But humility is actually the antithesis to judgment. When we walk in humility, we recognize we don’t have all the answers.We don’t know it all. We’re not always right, and someone else might actually do it better.

Humility is ultra-important in relationships. It’s being quiet when you want to snap back at someone. It’s choosing the plain cake doughnut, because you know the office assistant loves the blueberry one. It’s not telling everyone in the room that the joke the speaker before you made was actually yourjoke.

How this works in relationships– Your friend is getting married and asks you to be in her wedding. You have another event planned for the day of her wedding, but you agree to cancel so you can be of service to your friend. At the wedding, you find yourself as not only a bridesmaid, but a babysitter to the maid of honor’s rambunctious toddlers, an errand runner, a seamstress for the mother of the groom, who should have bought her dress in a bigger size, and a counselor as the bride spazzes out, thinking she’s making the wrong decision.

You’re exhausted and wish you would’ve just told your friend you couldn’t make her wedding, let alone be in it. When the bride takes the mic to thank everyone at the reception, she mentions everyone except for you! She even thanks the rambunctious tots for adding cuteness to the festivities. You’re livid, but what do you do? You smile and clap along with everyone else, because you’re not judgmental. You’re humble.

A Word to the Wise

I wish I was a pro at the whole non-judgmental thing, but the truth is I am a work in process like everyone else. I am learning, however, to not make rash judgments on people, especially those I’m in relationship with. Oh, and by the way, giving honor to where it’s due, those three above points aren’t mine. I totally stole them from the Bible. In the book of Micah, chapter six, verse eight, we are instructed to “Seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with your God.” I like the Message translation even better. It reads:

But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don’t take yourself too seriously—
take God seriously.

So there you go. Simple words for a simple, yet profound concept. Stop judging from the outward/initial appearance. Stop judging so quickly. Stop judging things you know nothing about. Our world has enough judges. Let us become lovers.

Now, share all your secrets below, or if you prefer, you may just share this post.