The Truth About Toxic Masculinity & Rehumanizing Sex in Marriage

We’re breaking down the effects of toxic masculinity. Our guest, Zachary Wagner helps us redefine a healthy sexual ethic within the Christian faith, particularly in the wake of trauma & purity culture. Drawing insights from his book, Zachary explains how traditional teachings about sexuality can often dehumanize men and women. He proposes a rehumanizing approach that honors God and embraces a full personhood perspective.

Key Points Discussed:

• Purity Culture and Its Pitfalls: Zachary explores the negative impact of purity culture, especially from a male perspective, acknowledging the psychological and emotional wounds it can create. We’ve discussed this at length in other podcast episodes (see links below).

• Beyond Sexual Behavior to a Proper Sexual Ethic: Zachary emphasizes moving beyond a rules-based approach to sexual behavior, advocating for an ethic that considers the relational and spiritual dimensions of sexuality. I also share about the difference between a healthy sexual ethic and a simple sexual behavior (or a rule-following) approach.

• Dehumanization in Traditional Teachings: Lust is often treated in dehumanizing terms, reducing people to objects for gratification and perpetuating harmful gender stereotypes. This is why we all know lust as a sin, and most Christians would say it’s bad for sexual relationships. However, does this same thinking carry over into marriage? 

• Rehumanizing Sex in Marriage Paradigms: Our conversation shifts to how the Church can foster healthier, more appropriate attitudes and behaviors that see and treat others as fully human, aligning with deeper biblical values and the essence of who we are as image bearers.

• Why Some Fear Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: Zachary and I both stress the importance of recognizing sexual intimacy as one aspect of a holistic marital relationship, not the whole kit and kaboodle. Again, we challenge the idea that you can ‘lust’ after your spouse if you treat them as an object rather than a partner.

Notable Quotes:

• “Instead of thinking about sexual behavior… shift men and all people… out of modes of thinking or behaving that are dehumanizing to others.” – Zachary Wagner

• “If women are sexual objects, men are sexual animals. Both of those are a form of dehumanizing.” – Zachary Wagner

• “Sex is not about a bodily function… it’s about relating. It’s about connecting with another person.” – Zachary Wagner

• “When you look to your spouse to fulfill all of your needs sexually, it keeps you immature and hinders you from learning to self-soothe.” – Dana Che 

Listener Takeaways:

• For Singles: Understand and develop a sexual ethic that honors yourself and others beyond mere adherence to rules.
• For Married Couples: Explore how to engage in your sexual relationship that is rehumanizing and considers the holistic well-being of both partners.
• For Church Leaders: Encourage teachings and dialogues that address the deeper relational and spiritual aspects of sexuality rather than focusing solely on behavior.

Recommended Actions: I encouraged you to reflect on your own views of sexuality, consider reading Zachary’s book Non-Toxic Masculinity for a more in-depth analysis, and engage in conversations that promote a rehumanizing approach to sexuality in your own lives and communities.

If you’re considering marriage, sign up for pre-marital coaching to address these issues and more and get your marriage off to a great start. 

Links Mentioned in this Episode: 

Zachary Wagner’s Website & Book: Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality 

Episode 181: How to Create a Sexually Safe Marriage – with Dr. Andrew Bauman

Take my free “How Connected a Partner are You” Quiz!

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