Bids for Connection & Attention Plus The Cure for Loneliness in Relationships

We all want attention in our relationships and will do just about anything to get it. Psychologists call this making a bid for connection. If you feel lonely or unheard, this will resonate with you today. We’re emphasizing the importance of communication and attention in relationships to alleviate loneliness and discussing how to make and respond to bids for connection. Feeling disconnected and lonely, even in the presence of others, is not uncommon. Physical proximity doesn’t guarantee emotional closeness. To feel close to the one you’re with, both partners need to put in the work to hear what the other partner is not saying.

Key Insights and Solutions:

• Recognize Bids for Connection: It’s important to recognize both verbal and nonverbal cues from partners seeking connection. These cues, or “bids,” can range from a sigh after a hard day to a subtle gesture for attention. Ignoring these bids can deepen feelings of loneliness and rejection.
• Respond Appropriately and Timely: It’s best to respond to these bids in the moment, as delayed responses can exacerbate feelings of neglect. Immediate and appropriate reactions, whether it’s empathetic listening or a simple acknowledgment, are huge. This lets your partner know you are actively building connection with them. 
• Invest Time in Relationships: It’s necessary to dedicate time to nurture relationships. Time spent together, especially in meaningful interactions, is crucial for strengthening bonds and reducing feelings of isolation.
• Seek and Provide Feedback: Seeking feedback to understand if one’s efforts in a relationship are effective. Regular, open communication about each other’s needs can prevent misunderstandings and feelings of loneliness.
• Be Vulnerable and Express Needs: Each spouse/partner should be open about their feelings of loneliness in their relationships. Expressing one’s needs can be a powerful step toward improving the relationship and bridging the emotional gap.

Responses to Bids for Connection

When we make or recognize a bid for connection, there are three possible outcomes: 

1. We can turn toward 
2. We can turn away
3. We can turn against 

Obviously, turning toward is the preferred outcome. When a partner turns away or against, it only deepens the disconnection and can fuel rejection and loneliness in the relationship. The key to turning toward is to pay attention.

Application Beyond Romantic Relationships:

The concept of “bids for connection” extends beyond romantic partnerships. Bids for connection may also come from friends, children, or even strangers. If you desire closeness or intimacy in a relationship, it’s important to respond to those bids wherever they come from. 

Closing Thoughts:

Remember that good relationships require effort from both parties. It’s not just about one person trying to bridge the gap but a mutual endeavor to understand and fulfill each other’s emotional needs. Acknowledging and responding to bids for connection can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness and strengthen relationships. Remember a good relationship isn’t one that works, it’s one where you put in the work. 

Links Mentioned in this Episode:

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