Facing Your Fiancé’s Family of Origin

Let’s face it. We are the products of the families we were raised in. For some, this is great news, but for others, it’s scary. I recently had a conversation with some ladies in a marriage class I’m teaching. We were discussing our spouse’s family of origin. There’s also quite a bit of single ladies in the class, so I stressed to them how important it is to really know the kind of family their future husband comes from.

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Imagine you’re setting up to grill your favorite dinner. Most of us would let our meat (or just veggies for me!) marinate for a few hours, so the flavors are infused into the food. Even if you wash off the meat or the veggies, the marinade flavor will still remain in the food. It’s the same way with our family of origin. What we “marinated” in for 18+ years will likely be (at least a part) of how we operate in our own marriage and family.

For example, say your fiancé’s family of origin included an overworked mom and an unappreciative dad. Your soon-to-be mother-in-law did everything around the house: cleaned, paid the bills, mowed the lawn, and raised the children. Her husband went to work, came home to a hot meal, watched TV, and went to bed. Maybe this was “normal” in your fiancé’s home, but you’re not having it. You’ve already told him that things will be different when you two get married. The problem is what he saw modeled for the majority of his life has greatly impacted him. Some people can overcome these off-balanced examples, but for many, they become hardwired.

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Questions You Should Ask About His Family of Origin Prior to Marriage

Before you get married, you should have conversations about each other’s family of origin. Some couples shy away from these conversations because they don’t want to offend each other. I even had a guy tell me once he didn’t want to open up that can of worms with his fiancé. I told him, “Dude, the can is going to get opened whether you open it or it explodes under pressure. It’s better you deal with the issues prior to marriage than be blindsided when they show up.” Here are some conversation starters for your next date night.

1. What did you admire most about your dad?
2. What made you most uncomfortable about how your dad treated your mom?
3. What would you say your mom’s greatest strength is?
4. How do you feel your mom respected your dad?
5. How did your parents treat you in relation to your siblings?
6. How did your parents resolve conflict?
7. How often did you see your parents show each other affection?
8. What was your family’s approach to finances?
9. How did your family handle your sibling’s breakups?
10. What were some of the important traditions your family had?
11. How did your family approach spiritual issues?
12. What would you say your parents taught you about marriage?

His Parents are No Longer Together

If your fiancé’s parents divorced or were never married, or one has died, you might want to ask some different questions. Just because his parents are not together doesn’t mar him, but it can be a red flag. Speaking of, these are also great questions for you to consider if your family of origin is in a similar situation.

1. How did your mom handle the divorce/desertion/death?
2. How did your dad handle the divorce/desertion/death?
3. Did the absentee parent pay child support? How do you feel about that?
4. Did either parent remarry? How did that make you feel?
5. Was their violence in your home? How did you handle that?
6. Were there other major issues like adultery, other kinds of abuse, or addictions?
7. Did you get to see your mom/dad as often as you liked? Why or why not?
8. How long did it take you to grieve over the loss of your parent?
9. How did the parent you lived with help you to grieve the loss
10. What did your parents teach you about divorce/desertion/death?

Don’t Impress. Interview.

So many women (and men) try to impress their partner’s parents when they first meet them. Girl, don’t impress; interview. Ask questions. Look around, discern, feel the vibe or whatever you need to do. Watch how the family interacts or doesn’t interact. This is the rest of your life we’re talking about, and these are the people who will share in it. So do your homework!

ALSO READ: 10 VITAL QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED

Hear me, you do not want to go blindly into a marriage without discussing asking some questions first. As you noticed, most, if not all, of the questions above are open-ended. You’re not looking for a simple yes or no or for the “right” answer. You’re looking not only to hear what’s being said but also what’s not being said. You’re looking to see what rotten residue still remains from the family of origin. Scripture teaches that, “The naive believes everything, but the sensible person considers their steps (Proverbs 14:15). Now, what I’m not saying is you now have a right to judge your fiancé’s family or deem him damaged goods because of how he grew up. But, these conversations are important. So, have them with compassion, courage, and clarity. But, by all means, have them.

What other questions might you add to this list?