Forgiving What You Can’t Forget – Pt. 1

Today we are going to go a little deep. We’re going to do a little bit of excavation into your heart, perhaps to pull out some old memories that you would prefer to stay tucked away. We are going to go after the cover-up that you have put over some of those wounds, and we’re going to make sure that what you have forgiven is really, indeed healed. For some, you’re listening to this episode today on forgiveness, because you haven’t been able to forgive. You haven’t been able to move on, and you need somebody to help you out. After this and next week’s episode, you will have a blueprint on how to get over what was done to you, how to forgive, and move on.

The title of this episode is forgiving what you can’t forget. And I know that we have so much to talk about, so I’ve actually split this episode up into two separate episodes. So we’re going to talk about part one today and then next week join us because we are going to finish up with part two.

Everybody Needs to Learn How to Forgive

If there is one thing that I know for sure as a marriage coach, as a pastor, as a woman, and as a human being, it is that we all are going to have to walk through forgiveness at some point or another. You could have the most perfect marriage, the most healthy relationship, the best friendship, you name it, but at some point because you are in a relationship with another human being, you’re going to be hurt and you are going to hurt.

We need to understand that forgiveness isn’t something that just really resilient strong people do. It isn’t something that only struggling relationships have to go through. We all have to learn how to forgive. And the more that you do it, the easier it gets.

So as I look back over my life, I can think of many people whom I’ve really had to forgive, really struggled to forgive. And here’s the truth. The closer the person is to you, the harder it is to forgive. Because the people that are closest to us have the most ability or the greatest ability to hurt us the deepest. If I’m just upset with my coworker because they ate my lunch that I put in the refrigerator, well, I mean, I have to forgive that. But it’s not like the end of the world versus if I have to forgive my husband who betrayed my trust. So regardless of who came to your mind, regardless of whom you’re thinking about, what I’m going to share with you over these next two episodes is going to be completely applicable.

The Inspiration Behind Forgiving What You Can’t Forget

This episode is not intended to be a therapeutic session. It is not intended to be a full-out coaching session, even though coaching obviously will help you. And I do work with all of my clients on this process of forgiveness.

Lysa TerKeurst, President of Proverbs 31 Women wrote a book called Forgiving What You Can’t Forget. If you know anything about her story, Lysa was married for nearly 30 years to a man who was a habitual cheater. And her lifestyle is very public, especially for those in the Christian community. Many Christian women know who Lysa TerKeurst is as she has a very prominent ministry. She has lived this whole debacle out in the public eye. I have nothing but respect for her. I did a YouTube video on this very topic of her story on forgiveness about how I applauded her, really, for leaving this very toxic marriage.

You all know me. I am for marriage. I am pro-marriage. I don’t take divorce lightly at all. But in her situation, she was married to a man who she had given grace upon grace upon grace upon grace, chance after chance after chance after chance. They publicly renewed their wedding vows, and this man committed to being faithful and loyal and he wasn’t. So she finally made the decision that she was going to need to walk away. And I know that that took a lot of courage. I’m sure that there are people who probably disagreed with her decision, and I’m sure that it was really like a battle within herself to even get to that point. But through her pain, she wrote this book called Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, and that is really what inspired, obviously, the title of this podcast.

Recommended Books on Forgiveness

Another book I’m going to recommend to you is called The Book on Forgiving by Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu. Obviously, those are African names. This is such a good book. I originally got this book, I don’t know, maybe three years ago. I think it was like right at the start of COVID. This book is really about a lot of what Desmond experienced coming out of apartheid and how he learned how to forgive. But it’s not just the apartheid story, because most of us have not had that experience. But he really teaches about these tenets of forgiveness. And one of the most profound things, I think, that I have probably ever read in my whole life was out of this book. He talks about the fourfold path to forgiveness. 

The Fourfold Path to Forgiveness 

Today I’m going to teach something that I’ve never taught before, and it is this whole fourfold path to forgiveness. So the first thing, let me actually give you all four. And then, like I said, we’re going to introduce this topic today and then we’re going to continue this next week on this fourfold path. The first thing that you’re going to want to do is tell your story. The second thing is to name the hurt. The third thing is to grant forgiveness. And then the last thing is to renew or release the relationship.

When Is the Process of Forgiveness Complete?

What does it look like when the process of forgiveness is complete? How do you know if you’ve really forgiven someone? I get asked that question a lot. One of the things that I always say is, first of all, you’ll know when the process of forgiveness is complete when you can think about that memory and it no longer stings, it no longer burns. Let’s say I burned myself with a curling iron, which I have many, many times, especially when I was a little kid. Not knowing what I was doing curling my hair. So I have a scar from the burn. If I look at that scar, then I remember exactly what happened there. I’m like, oh, yeah, I was eight years old. I was curling my hair in the bathroom at my house and felt the singe. I felt that thing on my neck.

So I can think back to that memory. But if I touch that scar, it no longer hurts, it no longer burns, there’s nothing oozing. It’s completely healed. Likewise, my friend, when you think back over that memory, whatever happened, you think of that person and there’s nothing that oozes emotionally. There’s no more pain, there’s no more stinging. That’s when you know that the process of forgiveness is complete.

I’ve written about forgiveness, even shared on an earlier podcast episode about forgiveness, and I’ve given lots of tips throughout many other episodes on this podcast on forgiveness. I talk about forgiveness so much because it a necessary in a healthy marriage or relationship. You simply cannot build a connection or commitment without learning how to forgive. I hope the lessons you hear in today’s episode jumpstarts your journey on the path of forgiveness and may you learn to forgive the things you can’t forget.

ALSO LISTEN TO: The Power of Forgiveness in Relationships: Release Them, Restore You

The Book on Forgiving by Desmond Tutu

Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst

Episode 18: How to Love Your Spouse When You Don’t Like Your Spouse 

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