Help! Save My Marriage from Drowning

“Mayday! Mayday!” I hear the cries of someone who is struggling. “Save my marriage!” They scream . . . except the screams are silent. Couples everywhere are secretly struggling in their marriages, and no one knows. Maybe they’ve confided in a friend or family member, but to no avail. Can you relate? I sure can.

Last week, we learned the horrific news that Glee actress, Naya Rivera, had tragically drowned in Lake Piru in California. Reports say her boat wasn’t anchored and began to drift from where she and her four-year-old son were swimming. She mustered up enough strength to save her son, getting him back onto the pontoon boat she had rented but didn’t have enough strength to save herself. As a mother, myself, my heart broke. I couldn’t help but think about her life jacket that was mere inches away, resting comfortably in the boat. But because she couldn’t get to it, it couldn’t save her.

I started thinking of all the troubled marriages that are inches from rescue, but tragically end because the couple no longer has the strength, energy, or will to fight. This is not an accusation, but, rather, an observation. We all know that marriage requires a lot of work. And those couples who have struggled to stay afloat to save their marriages know this all the more.

So, what can you do if your marriage is sinking? Allow me to share some lessons I learned when I tried to save my marriage.

What Can I Do to Save My Marriage?

1. Focus on the solution, not the problem.

“Every problem has a solution,” I say this to my kids, literally once a week, if not more. There is no problem that you cannot solve. The issue with many couples is that they spend too much time, energy, and focus on the problem. My needs aren’t being met. My husband doesn’t pay me any attention. My wife is always critical of me. I am not happy in my marriage. These are all problems that can seem insurmountable, but when you start to look at the solutions, these problems become smaller. One of the best pieces of marriage advice I received was You have to give what you want to receive. If you want more attention, give more attention. If you want to be appreciated, show appreciation. Remember, your marriage problem isn’t unsolvable. Like entrepreneur guru Marie Forleo says, Everything is Figureoutable.

2. Remember the past.

Most of us have been taught to forget the past, so why am I telling you to remember it? I want you to remember what brought the two of you together. “Go back and do what you did at first,” the apostle John encourages us in Revelation 2:5. What did you love to do for your husband? What did your wife love about you that drove her wild? Do those things again! It’s so easy for your marriage to get in a rut or to slowly drift into complacency. That’s why you have to intentionally anchor your boat to your values, vision, and victories. Remember. Rinse. Repeat.

3. Face your enemy.

Speaker, behavioral scientist, and writer Steve Maraboli says, “[In] healthy relationships, let’s not forget it’s you and me vs. the problem. . .  NOT you vs. me.” How many more marriages might be saved if couples fought the right enemy? Hear me: Your spouse is not your enemy. You might want to say that aloud a few times until you believe it. Fighting your spouse is like fighting the lifeguard who is trying to rescue you from drowning. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but your spouse is not the actual enemy. So, who or what is, then? For me, I had to realize the enemy was a familial cycle of divorce and spiritual strongholds, my own selfishness, pride, and unhealed wounds, plus all Shaun’s junk. All of these things were fighting against me, but they had the face of my husband! Once we started attacking the real enemies of our marriage, we were saved.

4.     Cultivate creativity.

When you do the same ol’ thing the same ol’ way, you get the same ol’ results. I believe it was Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results. So . . . why do we do this in our marriages? When Shaun and I got serious about saving our marriage, we realized we needed some new strategies. Our old ways of doing things weren’t working! You have to get creative with finding new ways of attacking your enemies and finding solutions. If you’ve already tried marriage counseling, try coaching. If you’ve been to marriage conferences, try a marriage retreat. If you’ve read all the marriage books, write love letters instead. Do. Something. New. If you’re drowning in the water, you’ll sink faster if you keep trying to kick and fight against the current. Instead, float on your back.  Do. Something. New.

5.     Get back to the basics.

I was watching a marriage video recently where the couple being interviewed talked about how they’ve sustained a long-lasting marriage. “We treat each other with kindness,” the husband said. “We have mutual respect for one another,” the wife chimed in. In the 20-minute interview, neither of them said anything I hadn’t heard before. Their advice was so basic, yet so profound. Sometimes we need to put away all our marriage resources and just get back to being decent human beings. Treat each other the way you want to be treated. That’s what Jesus said. It’s still true today. Have you lost your basic manners? Do you still say please and thank you? Do you greet each other with a kiss or hug one other goodnight? Do you still say I love you? Do you smile? Are you kind? Sometimes, we have to just go back to square one.

6.     Pray like your life depended on it.

The great St. Augustine is known for saying, “Pray like everything depends on God. Work like everything depends on you.” Isn’t that sage advice? There is nothing that saved my marriage like prayer. Prayer works when you don’t see it working. That’s because God works even when you don’t see or feel him working. It is impossible to hate someone you pray for. How often do you pray for your spouse’s weaknesses? How often do you thank God for your spouse? How often do you pray for your own responses to your spouse? Stormie Omartian has written a series of books that I’ve recommended in other blog posts. Some of these books include The Power of a Praying Wife, The Power of a Praying Husband, and The Power of Prayer to Change Your Marriage. Whenever someone says, “I’ve tried to save my marriage, but it’s not working.”, I always ask them how much they’ve prayed. Sadly, almost all of them have not. Pray like your life depends on it because it actually does.

ALSO READ: 8 WAYS TO HAVE FAITH IN YOUR MARRIAGE AGAIN

I pray these words of encouragement have helped to answer your question “Can my marriage be saved?” I love hearing your stories of how your marriages are growing. Recently, a sweet woman mailed Shaun and me a beautiful card and a gift card to one of our favorite restaurants. Her marriage had been facing turbulent waters, and after we shared with her some of the steps I’ve written here, she and her husband are in calmer seas. Thank God! Marriages don’t work. People do. If you work it, it will work. Please let me know how I can pray for you!