How to Change Your Spouse
We’ve all been there—forced to deal with someone who just won’t change. For some, this leaves you wondering how to change your spouse. Your marriage problems are glaring, and you wonder why your spouse isn’t as bothered by them as you are. You set out on a mission to change your spouse, and by mission, I mean a targeted, pursuit of fool-proof strategies to get what you want in seven days or less. But try as you might, the advice in the books don’t seem to work; what your friend recommends doesn’t end the hurt you feel, and your spouse has flat out refused to change.
Maybe it’s time to divorce, you begin to think to yourself. After all, if he’s not into you, you’d be a fool to try to force him. And then somehow, you stumble upon this little blog, and that little flicker of hope rises like an ember in your heart. You wonder, is it really possible to learn how to change your spouse?
Friend, let me share something with you that I wish I knew when I first got married: people do not change until they want to change. It’s a simple and sometimes painful truth. Think about a major life change you made. How many times did you try to change before you were actually successful? Who made you change? Why did you change? The answers to these questions will differ for us all, but I assure you that the only person who made you change was you. Even God himself doesn’t force us to change, and neither will you be able to change your spouse.
Why People Change
We’ve all heard it said that “Change is hard,” or “No one likes change.” But I don’t believe that. It’s not that people resist change; people resist being forced to change. You see, we were created with a mind, a will and emotions. These make up the core of our soul. When someone tries to force us to go against our will, our mind or emotions, we immediately put up defenses and view that person as a threat. It’s true. Interview any
People actually welcome change . . . when theyare the ones initiating it.
If you take the time to study the people in your life, you will learn what motivates them to change. Some people are inspired by something or someone. For others, it might be consequences. Still, for a select few, they may only change because of the fear of loss. Yet, real change must be initiated by the person and not an outsider.
For years, I would “inspire” Shaun about what I perceived to be his lack of spiritual growth. (I called it inspiring. He called it nagging. Tomato, to-mah-to . . . ehhh.) I would first present to him all the benefits of spiritual growth. When that didn’t seem to impress him, I’d move into bartering, saying something like, “If you go to church with me, I’ll make sure tonight goes very well for you.” If that didn’t work (or I didn’t feel like bartering), I’d use shame. I’d literally say, “What kind of a father doesn’t want to be spiritually strong for his kids?” Ew. I know. I cringe at the thought of how manipulating I used to be. But, it was for the good of the family, I told myself.
Shaun might go to church, but he would zone out, wouldn’t pay attention, or act resentfully. I may have gotten him to do what I wanted, but the results weren’t what I wanted.
Things weren’t going so well with me trying to force Shaun to change, and no matter how hard I prayed, it was more of the same. One day, Shaun and I were at some friends’ house, and the husband asked Shaun to go to church with him. Shaun responded with an excited yes! I was about to spit out my tea! What. In. The. World. All my years of faithful nagging had yielded me little to no results, and here this dude comes along and gets a yes? And not just a yes, but an excited yes. Oftentimes, it takes someone outside of your situation to encourage your spouse to change. This is why marriage counselors and marriage coaches can be so effective.
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Work on Yourself
Instead of asking how to change your spouse, maybe a better question is how can you change yourself? I know this isn’t the answer you want to hear, but Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” The “world” might be your own little home. What can you change about yourself that will help bring more peace in your life? Look at my earlier example. I wanted Shaun to change spiritually so that our kids could reap the reward of being taught godly principles by their dad . . . something I’d never had.
Instead of relying on Shaun to teach them, I took full responsibility for teaching them. As I grew spiritually, my kids did also. Before long, Shaun started to grow too, and he even started teaching the kids what he was learning.
I decided to change me.
When you change yourself, you often get a new perspective. What seemed so important to you before isn’t so much now. What seemed unbearable before becomes tolerable somehow.
As you wait for your spouse to change, work on yourself, and remember that no one really changes until he is motivated from within to do so. And if your spouse just won’t change, read this.
What About Prayer?
I do believe that prayer softens hearts, but do not use prayer as a tool of manipulation to get your spouse to change. Prayer, most often, changes you! So, yes, pray but leave the timing and the tactics up to God. Praying for your spouse can yield powerful rewards, but don’t just pray for him to change. You should pray for your spouse’s heart, his dreams, his fears and mostly, his wife.
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