How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

If you’re like me and 100% of the human race, you’ve been hurt by someone you love. Maybe your spouse cheated on you. Maybe a business partner stiffed you in a deal. Maybe your best friend stabbed you in the back. It’s inevitable, which is why you must learn how to forgive someone who hurt you.Years ago, when Shaun and I first started marriage counseling, our counselor told us that the people we trust the most have the potential to hurt us the most. I never forgot that. And sadly, after being hurt by those closest to me, I began to close my heart. No expectations, no disappointments, right? Only that’s a shabby way to live. With great risks come great rewards. Love is no different.

I talk to married women all the time who are still reeling from their spouse’s mistakes . . . mistakes that have left them brokenhearted. Most of these women want to forgive, but it’s like their feet are stuck in the mud. They can’t move.

An old friend, Ashley (not her real name), texted me last week, because she was really having a hard time forgiving her spouse. He had cheated on her over 10 years ago, but she couldn’t shake it. She thought she had forgiven him, but lately, her mind was being bombarded with images of her man’s illicit affair. “Why are these feelings coming back up, Dana?” she asked. She truly wants to be victorious over this, but she’s stuck.

Those Who’ve Been Forgiven Much Love Much

I read a book about 10 years ago called A Love Worth Giving by Max Lucado which really helped me understand how to forgive someone who hurt you. One of the points he drove home was, “Those who are forgiven much love much,” taken from Luke 7:47. That stuck with me. I have been forgiven much . . . by God, Shaun, my kids, my friends . . . How, then, can I not forgive when I’ve been hurt?

I recently mustered the courage to tell my story on social media of how I cheated on my husband when I was 19 years old. My friends and many of my family members knew this already, but coming out “publicly” with this story brought up all kinds of mixed emotions. Would people judge me? Would I lose followers? At the end of the day, I have to be real. I try to live my life transparently, and I knew I would need to tell this story eventually.

I have always considered myself to be a loyal person, which is why my actions all those years ago literally rocked me. I wasn’t brazen about it. I was wounded. I felt awful, and I cut off the relationship with the other guy right away. Before I could receive forgiveness, though, I had to forgive myself. So many people find it difficult to forgive, because they haven’t first received forgiveness.

What Forgiveness Looks Like

A question I get asked a lot is, “How do I know when I’ve truly forgiven?” I like to answer it this way: When your recall what happened to you, and the sting is no longer there. You haven’t forgotten, nor are you numb to what happened; your heart has been healed.What a glorious day! Lest you think I’m the sinner, and my husband is the saint, think again, friend. Shaun has his own stories to tell, but suffice it to say that I had hurt, and I had been hurt. I’ve had to walk through my own forgiveness journey.

At the time, I was quickly losing hope that I would ever feel whole again. Every time I thought about what had been done to me, my heart would start racing. It was like I was reliving the pain all over again. Then I realized,forgiveness is both a choice and a process.You make the decision to forgive. That’s a done deal. Just decide. The healing part is the process of forgiveness.

Forgiveness vs Reconciliation

If you’ve been following me on social media or in real life, you know that I had a tumultuous relationship with my stepdad. Once I got older and left the house, I decided it was best for me not to have a relationship with him in any way. Sometimes you have to distance yourself from a person who is unsafe, does not respect your boundaries or, by all means, if he/she is abusive.

Even though I made the decision to sever ties, I had truly forgiven him for the pain he caused my family. Shaun and I had only been married a few years, and I was thinking about how to forgive someone who hurt you. As I was praying out loud, I said, “I forgive my stepdad. If I saw him broken down on the side of the road, I’d help him.” Warning: Be careful what you pray!

Wouldn’t you know, a short time later, I was driving to the gym and saw his white cargo van on the side of a busy street near the house I’d grown up in. “Lord, you are funny,” I muttered as I drove by. I was already running late for the gym and figured he didn’t really need my help. But I remembered what I had said, “ . . . I would help him.” So what did I do? I went to the gym!

Forgiveness In Action

No, seriously, I busted a “Uwie” (that’s Dana talk for U-turn) and I pulled my car up behind his van. He broke out in a huge smile when he saw me. I asked how I could help. He had left his cell phone at home, so I let him use mine to call his emergency road service company. We chatted briefly, and within minutes a police officer pulled up. Once I saw he was in good hands, I left. As I drove to the gym, I realized I had passed the test. There were no hard feelings in my heart, and I was able to help him¾no strings attached. That is what forgiveness looks like.

I don’t know what you are going through or what hurts you have endured, but I do know this: you have to forgive. Forgiveness is for you. My most liked tweet says, “Holding on to unforgiveness is like shooting yourself in the chest and expecting the other person to get hurt.” Here are some of the consequences of unforgiveness:

• Loss of joy
• Loss of peace
• Stagnation of your other relationships
• Lack of trust
• Hopelessness
• Fear
• Unanswered prayer

Let’s talk about that last one: unanswered prayer. I don’t know your spiritual beliefs, but if you pray to the God of the Bible, listen to what Jesus says in Mark 11:25: “But when you are praying, first forgiveanyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.” This is powerful. If we can’t forgive, we can’t expect to be forgiven.

Practical Steps to Forgiveness

So what does this look like in real life. Here are some practical steps on how to forgive someone who hurt you:

1. Acknowledge what was done

Forgiveness isn’t denying or downplaying what was done.If you won’t acknowledge it, you can’t forgive it. If nothing happened, healing isn’t necessary.

2. Allow yourself to grieve

Oh, friends, it breaks my heart when people short-circuit the grieving process because of bad theology or bad advice. You need to allow yourself to feel the pain of what happened. Numbing the pain doesn’t make it go away.

3. Ask for help

If you are having a hard time forgiving, you may need to ask for help. Pray and ask God. He will help you.

4. Alleviate the need for an apology

This is hard, I know. When someone wrongs you, he/she should apologize. I’m sure, however, you have learned that not everyone does. Your forgiveness is not contingent on their confession.

5. Avoid bringing it back up

It’s so easy, in the heat of an argument, to throw out daggers of past wrongs, but this never helps the forgiveness process.Don’t reach back for something you previously decided to let go of.

Forgiving someone who hurt you is never easy, but it is necessary. I pray you will find the strength to forgive and the grace to heal.