How to Support Your Spouse In Difficult Times
If you’ve been married longer than two weeks, you have likely had to weather at least one difficult time in your marriage. Then there are times when life hits hard. Maybe your spouse has a bout with depression or maybe he/she loses a loved one. We all go through difficult times, and when you’re married, it can be hard to figure out how exactly to support your spouse. Should you talk or simply be a quiet presence? Should you give advice or wait to be asked for advice? Trying to be what he/she needs can be daunting. This is when you have to remind yourself of your marriage vows: for better or for worse.
No need to despair, though. There are things you can do to support your spouse in difficult times. Here are my top six:
1. Show Empathy
Empathy is one of the most loving attributes of a healthy marriage. I remember a time when I was emotionally vomiting on Shaun about my fears of failing as a mom. It had been a very stressful week, and I was short on patience with my kids. Shaun began sharing with me times when he had gotten stressed and felt like he’d messed up too. Just hearing him relate to me made me feel better.
When you show empathy, you put yourself in the shoes of another. It actually connects you to your spouse in such a meaningful way. Empathy says, “You are not alone.” The next time your spouse is having a hard time, try relating and letting him know he’s not alone.
2. Listen with Understanding
Listening is the key to effective communication. Most marriages suffer from a lack of healthy communication, and that is largely because spouses have not learned how to listen. You might say, “Dana, I have to listen to my spouse all the time!” Let me tell you, there is a difference between hearing and listening.If you do not have a hearing impairment, you are forced to hear sounds around you, including your spouse’s voice. However, listening is a choice. Listening focuses on the meaningof what the person is saying.
One of my all-time favorite quotes is “Listen to understand, not to agree.” Too many of us listen with the intent of a comeback phrase. We listen half-heartedly, thinking of our response before the other person is even done talking. I’m guilty of this at times! I am very quick to formulate solutions to problems. It’s a gift. However, it can be a detriment to relationships when I try to communicate my “solution” before the other person has had the chance to unload his/her feelings.
The next time your spouse talks to you about heart issues, listen with understanding.
3. Help Him Look Up
When your spouse is going through a difficult time, it can be hard for him/her to exercise faith. Finding inspiration in dark times anchors our hopelike nothing else, but sometimes we need a little nudge in the right direction. When Shaun shares something heavy with me, I will often ask if we can pray. Praying together is the best way I help him look up to the only One who can truly help him.
My faith in Jesus is what gets me through hard times. But sometimes it’s hard to have faith when all you see is pain or trials. Pointing your spouse to hope in his/her situation can be just the jolt he/she needs to reawaken his/her faith to believe for better. The next time your spouse’s faith is waning, help him/her look up.
4. Be Joyful
Did you know that joy is contagious? Think about it. When you encounter the presence of a joyful person, what happens? For me, I can’t help but to have more joy myself. Now, there is a difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is an emotion, while joy is a state of being.You can have joy in your heart after losing a loved one, for example. You’re not happy, but you are joyful, because you know your loved one is in a better place.
You can support your spouse in difficult times by not allowing pain to erode his/her joy. Similar to helping him/her look up, you can be a source of strength by simply being joyful. One of my favorite Scriptures reminds us that, “The joy of the Lord is our strength” (Psalm 28:7). Allow your joy to be contagious the next time your spouse is facing a difficult time.
5. Give Advice Sparingly
Think about it. What is the last thing you need when you’re having a difficult time in life? Advice. And especially when you haven’t asked for it. When someone barges into your emotions with unsolicited advice, it can feel like a slap in the face. Most of us know that we need help, but we want to be the ones to initiate that help. This is where a lot of communication breaks down in marriage. Instead of empathic listening, we begin to think of all the things our spouse should have done or could do to fix his/her situation. Don’t do this. Only give advice when asked.
“But what if my husband never asks me for advice?” One wife asked me. “Ask him how you can help.” I responded. If your spouse knows that you genuinely want to help him/her and not “fix” him/her, he/she will be willing to invite your advice.The next time your spouse is facing a difficult time, give advice sparingly, and even then, only when asked.
6. Give Him Space
There is some pain that words can’t heal. Sometimes we need to give our spouse space. I would recommend that you ask your spouse if he/she needs space before giving it to him/her though. Otherwise, it can seem that you’re uncaring. When I lost my best friend, Sharicka, to breast cancer in 2008, my other bestie tried her best to comfort me. What I really needed, though, was just to be in the arms of my husband. I needed space from my friend, but I would’ve been crushed if Shaun would’ve given me space during this time.
Giving your spouse space doesn’t mean you just leave him/her alone. It means you are in tune with what he/she needs. If you’re giving advice, and your spouse’s attention begins to wander, you stop talking and check in to see what’s wrong. If you’re sharing an empathic story, and your spouse seems agitated, stop talking about your story and bring your attention back to him/her. The next time your spouse is facing a difficult time, be discerning and give him/her space.
Life is hard, and love is messy. But going through difficult times with the loving support your spouse can make the burden feel lighter. Enacting your marriage vows of “for better or for worse” by being empathetic, listening with understanding, pointing the way to faith, being joyful, not overwhelming the situation with unsolicited advice and giving space when needed can be the perfect medicine to the pain-struck heart.
How else can we help to support our spouses when facing difficult times? I’d love to hear your suggestions in the comments below.
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