How Words of Affirmation Can Strengthen Your Marriage

Can I be honest? I love hearing people say sweet things about me. Don’t you? I mean, raise your hand if you smile and blush and coo when someone brings up your faults or tells you how much worse their life is because you’re in it. Truth is, we all love words of affirmation. Especially from those we love. Especially from our spouse.

Words of affirmation make us walk taller and help our insecurities become smaller. Hearing your honey tell you how great you are and how their life is so much better with you in it is like drinking ice water on a hot summer day. But when we only hear our faults, it causes our souls to be dry and parched. We become susceptible to weariness.

Now that we’ve established how much our hearts crave hearing words of affirmation, I’m going to encourage you to give what you want. That’s right. This blog isn’t for your husband or your wife or your boo. It’s for you. There’s this cute little joke I think about whenever my kids aren’t sharing that can help remind you to “go first.”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her young sons, David and Billy.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’”  David turned to his younger brother and said, “Billy, you be Jesus!”

Isn’t that what it’s like sometimes in marriage though? We want our spouse to “be Jesus” and meet all our needs. We want them to take the initiative. But what about you? Are you willing to go first?

3 Kinds of Words of Affirmation

No one knows you better than your spouse. He/she is the one you spend the most time with. Ladies, he sees you behind closed doors, sans makeup and pushup bra. He knows what makes you happy and what makes you feel crappy. And you know the same about him. So, why do we struggle to build our spouse up? Why don’t we express our words of affirmation more often? Maybe we feel cheesy or weird being so intentional about saying sweet nothings to our spouse. But sweet nothings are actually somethings, and I’m going to give you three ways to affirm your spouse that will endear their heart to you.

You Are

“You are” statements speak to identity. You are, not “You will be . . .” or “You might grow into . . .” When you look your spouse in his face and tell him, “You are _______,” it lights up his world. In essence, you’re saying you see him. Just as he is. He doesn’t have to perform for you. You notice him, and you love what you see. Here are some “You are” words of affirmation to get you started:

You are incredibly loving.

 You are genuine and honest.

 You are a good listener.

 You are kind and compassionate.

 You are generous and thoughtful.

 You are trustworthy and dependable.

 You are beautiful/handsome.

 You are a good leader.

Remember, these statements are not indicative of what your spouse does. It’s who they are. When you talk to your spouse like this, you affirm his/her identity. And that is one of the greatest gifts of love you can ever give.

I Like

I have this saying, “When you see something good, say something good.” It’s so easy for us to take our spouses for granted, isn’t it? You pull up in the driveway after a long day at work and you notice your husband has cut the grass. Resist the urge to think, It’s about time, or I’m not giving him extra credit. That’s what he’s supposed to do. How about verbalizing your appreciation for the things he does? Fellas, the same goes for you. If your wife has done the laundry or you walk into a kitchen that smells like Chef Bobby Flay’s, express your gratitude. Here are some examples:

I like the way you cut those perfect lines in the yard.

I like how you keep yourself looking good.  

I like the food you fixed for my lunch/dinner.

I like how you are so calm with the kids when I’m losing my mind.

I like the way you massaged me last night.

I like it when you send me good morning texts.

I like that you always fill my gas tank up.

As you can see, these words of affirmation are compliments. You’re noticing something your man/woman is doing. When you talk to your spouse like this, you affirm his/her input.

You Can

The third way of affirming your spouse is by assuring him that you’re confident in his abilities. Most men struggle with insecurity. That’s why it’s so important that, as his wife or girlfriend, you don’t tear him down with your words. Women, too, are often unsure of our abilities, especially in the highly competitive world in which we live. You can give your spouse a huge confidence boost by simply declaring “Yes, you can.” For starters:

You can totally build that swing set.

You can apply for that promotion, and you’ll get it!

You can get all those customers to buy from you.

You can finish that degree with flying colors.

You can have that hard conversation.

You can overcome that struggle.

You can try again even if you’ve failed.

Nothing gives us more hope than hearing someone we love tell us they believe in us. We’re all unsure of ourselves and our purpose at times. When you talk to your spouse like this, you affirm his/her intentions.

Words of affirmation are one of my top love languages. Maybe it’s your spouse’s too. So this week, be intentional and consistent about offering this “cold glass of water” to soothe their soul. You just might be surprised at just how refreshing it is for you too.

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