If you have a smartphone, listen to Drake or if you’re just a human being, you definitely heard about and probably even participated in the “In My Feelings” challenge. You know, the infamous song that had everyone singing and jumping out of moving cars as Drake sang to Kiki (whoever the heck she is). Everyone from Will Smith to Ciara to Kirk Franklin and even animals got in on the In My Feelings dance challenge.
As I find myself singing the catchy tune, I wonder how many people in relationships are stuck in their feelings. When Shaun and I first got together, we talked about everything. He quickly became one of my best friends. As a 14-year old girl, I could tell him all about my feelings, my fears and my failings. When we got married, though, and started having our issues, I felt myself retreat. How could I trust a man with my feelings when he had hurt me? I’m sure he wondered the same.
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Do you ever feel like that? Are you in a marriage or a relationship where you’re unwilling to share your true feelings? Maybe it’s not that you don’t want to share or can’t share, but maybe you don’t even know your real feelings.
When my youngest child, Collin, was a toddler, he had the most awful anger explosions. He would yell, bang his head and throw things when he got mad. Now, for those of you who don’t believe in spanking, skip on down to the next paragraph. Everyone else . . . ya’ll know what time it was! I was not going to tolerate such bratty, undisciplined behavior. None of my other children had acted this way, and this little boy was not going to start a new trend. Whew! It still gets me going just thinking about it. But the crazy thing is spanking didn’t help stop his behavior. Oh, he’d stop throwing things for the time being, but he’d still be crying. So what did that really accomplish? I couldn’t understand why this child was so mad.
I remember sitting back on the couch one day after I had sent Collin upstairs for yet another timeout. “Lord,” I looked up to the ceiling. “What is going on with him?” In that moment, I heard the Lord speak to my heart, “Have him write his feelings down.” I sat straight up. What a brilliant idea! You see, anger is a secondary emotion, meaning there is always something deeper at play when we become angry. What my sweet little Collin was feeling might be sadness, disappointment, sleepiness, etc. But at three, he couldn’t necessarily verbalize his feelings, so he’d react in anger.
The video below shows Collin explaining his own “in my feelings” challenge.
Is he not the cutest?!
My In My Feelings Challenge To You
I wonder what would happen in our marriages, relationships, parenting and friendships if we were to do our own in my feelings challenge? How would communication improve in our relationships if instead of getting mad, shutting down or doing the silent treatment, we actually discussed how we were truly feeling?
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I think a lot of relationships would actually grow from this. The reason many of us have problems sharing our feelings is because we’re afraid of being vulnerable. We say we want intimacy, but we fear rejection or retaliation. Let’s imagine your husband has been working too many hours. You feel really lonely. You miss your time with him, and instead, you feel like you’re his lowest priority. But instead of telling him you miss him and that you need to spend more time with him, you withdraw and snap at him when he finally does come home.
What does this do? Oh, friend, you know the crazy cycle, don’t you? He then feels disrespected, and so he spends even moretime at work. And then what do you do? You become even crabbier and withdrawn, until the whole thing hits the fan.
Here’s our In My Feelings Challenge:
#1 – When you feel yourself getting angry, STOP.
Do. Not. Speak. Calm down. Put down your weapons! LOL.
#2 – Get alone and
This might take some time, especially if you are out of touch with your own emotions. Some emotions are hard for us to admit like jealousy, fear, insecurity, etc.
#3 – Risk vulnerability and saywhat you are feeling AND what you need.
It takes vulnerability to express yourself honestly, and it takes courage to ask for what you need. Do you need more quality time, a listening ear, help around the house, etc.? Ask for it.
That’s it. Now, I hear you saying, “But what if they don’t change?” That, my friend is not your concern right now. You can only control you. You can’t control anyone else or anyone else’s response. But in order to stop the crazy cycle, you must start with you.
So, what do you say? Every time you get angry, will you remember my “In My Feelings” challenge to you? It’s as easy as stop, sort, and say. Go on now, you’ve got this!
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