Is Being “Unequally Yoked” Such a Big Deal?

If you were raised in the church, like me, you’ve likely been warned not to be “unequally yoked” when dating and especially when getting married. If you didn’t grow up in a religious environment, being unequally yoked is the practice of being in partnership (namely a romantic relationship) with someone who is of a different faith.

But why? What is the big deal about being unequally yoked?

Since I am a Christian, I will speak from that perspective. In the Old Testament, after God had delivered his chosen people, Israel, from slavery and promised them a new life in the promised land, he instructed them not to intermarry with the people living in the land. “Do not intermarry with them” (Deuteronomy 7:3-4), God commanded. But why? Because he knew they would turn his people’s hearts away from him. If you know anything about the ancient Israelites, you know they were constantly testing God’s patience. So, of course, they disobeyed by intermarrying anyway, began worshipping idols and were ultimately destroyed because of it.

So what does this have to do with us today?

You may hear many Christians talk about how we are under grace now, not the law. Praises! No greater truth has ever been spoken. However, this concept of being unequally yoked carries over into the New Testament. 2 Corinthians 6:14 warns us not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers. “For what do light and darkness have in common or righteousness with wickedness?” Whoa. That’s stronger than a double shot espresso! Don’t shoot the messenger. I’m laying a foundation here.

Later in the same chapter, a really good question is asked: What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? (vs. 15). Maybe you’re dating someone, and you both like hiking or biking or swimming or drinking. Maybe you are on a similar career path or you both want 2 boys and a girl. Sure, we can find things in common with almost anyone, but here’s the greater principle. At the core of who you are, who leads your life? Being a Christian means you are a disciple of Christ. He leads your life. “You are not your own” (I Corinthians 6:19). Let that sink in.

At the core of who you are, who leads your life?

If you are an unbeliever, you run your own life. You make decisions based on what seems best to you. Do you see where this might cause relationship problems? Let’s say you get a job offer in a different state. The job pays 50% more than your current job and puts you on a faster track to career nirvana. Everything seems right to you, but you have this gnawing little sensation in the pit of your stomach. Something’s off. You pray about it, and you then feel like moving and taking this job isn’t what God has for you.

To a non-believer, this may seem absurd. Of course you would take the job with a higher pay rate and a promise of success. Are you crazy? Your sweet, but non-believing partner can’t understand why you’re holding yourself back because of some “silly” intuition you’re having. Do you see why this unequally yoked thing is a bad idea?

Complete Intimacy

We are not just physical beings. We are spirits with a soul who live in a body. In order to truly have complete intimacy with your spouse, you need to be connected physically (have sex already!), emotionally (talk about your dreams, feelings, pain and triumphs) and spiritually (your convictions about faith). If you are only connected physically, you aren’t truly intimate.

We are spirits with a soul who live in a body.

Too many couples discount the value of being spiritually intimate. When problems come, what do you do? Do you worry or figure it out on your own or do you pray and seek God’s wisdom? If you are married to someone who seeks his/her own wisdom and you’re seeking God’s wisdom, you are going to struggle.

Commitment Issues for the Unequally Yoked

You might be thinking, “Okay, I’m a Christian, and this person I’m dating isn’t, but they are willing to go to church with me.” Okay. Let’s think about that. I might be willing to go to the gym every now and again, but am I willing to pay a gym membership? The difference is commitment.

When Shaun and I first got married, we were both pretty far from God. We were both raised in church, and we both believed in God. But we were doing things our own way. We weren’t surrendered to living our lives with Jesus at the wheel. That all changed a few years after we got married. I knew something was missing in my life. I didn’t like where I was. I didn’t like the emptiness I felt. So I got my heart right with God. It took Shaun several years longer to do the same, and in that time, things were rockier than the Rocky Mountains. We argued all the time. We couldn’t agree on how to parent. And Shaun resented my going to church all the time. We were not connected spiritually anymore, and it showed.

Should I Leave My Non-Believing Spouse?

This brings up a popular question. If you weren’t a Christian before you got married and become one, should you leave your non-believing spouse so that you will not be unequally yoked? The answer is no. In the Scriptures, we see in I Corinthians 7:13 that if your non-believing spouse is willing to stay, you can’t divorce him/her. It’s like God is saying two things:

1. You decided to get married to the non-believer even though you knew better. You must honor your commitment.
2. If you became a Christian and your spouse isn’t, have patience and pray they, too, will come to the same heart conviction you did.

I see more women in this situation than men. And God already has the answer for that, too. “Your husband or wife who isn’t a follower is made holy by having you as a partner” (I Corinthians 7:14, CEV). Wow. This doesn’t mean that they are automatically “saved” because you are. It means that by your example, you bring a wholeness to your marriage. So stay, sister or brother, and pray.

Being unequally yoked is a big deal. It’s two different people living under two different spiritual convictions who approach life two different ways. It always threatens your unity, and it will potentially lead you astray.

The best way to avoid becoming unequally yoked with a marriage partner is not to date someone who isn’t a believer. I know he/she is fine, fun and fabulous, but in the end, you will be so grateful you obeyed God. Here’s the thing. God knows what you want and need. There isn’t a shortage of men or women in his world. If you trust him, ask for what you want and WAIT on his timing, he will bring the BEST person to you, one that you can be intimate with in every single way.