Is Vulnerability In Friendships Really Necessary?

I have a confession to make. I struggle with vulnerability. Like Big Time. It’s so interesting, especially since I am pretty transparent. I can talk about my past failures easily, and I often do to help you steer clear of the same potential wreckage in your own life. But when it comes to talking mushy feelings and my deepest dreams, cancel it. And God forbid I feel I can’t trust you, and my walls will go up faster than gas prices on Memorial Day.

Vulnerability is something I’m always working on, and to be honest, it’s one of my weaknesses. Wow. That was a pretty vulnerable thing to share, huh? #Growth. This might be a shock to you to learn that someone who calls herself a “relationship mentor” struggles with vulnerability, but for the sake of being real, I’m willing to share my truth.

Interestingly, the dictionary definition for vulnerability is susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm. Who’s ready to sign up? I mean the word alone sounds like something you need a HAZMAT suit for . . . or a condom. Come on! You know it kinds of sounds like “venereal!” She got that vulnerability disease from that guy she met online.

What is Vulnerability Though For Real?

One of my most favorite people to listen to is psychologist and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown. I have devoured all of her YouTube videos, watched her TED Talk dozens of times, and I even started reading The Gifts of Imperfection . . . 2 ½ years ago! To my credit, I’m almost done. It’s not that I don’t like the book. I just told you I love her content. It’s just . . . the book is so “meaty.” I find myself pondering on chapters for months. Anyhoo, Brene’s definition of vulnerability is a little more soft around the edges than Webster’s. She defines it as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.  Um . . . I don’t like uncertainty. I don’t take risks easily. As a matter of fact, my risk-taking skills are usually very calculated, well-thought out and hyper-planned. I would be a great analyst for some Fortune 500 company. As far as emotional exposure, bring on the HAZMAT.

Actually I’ve been thinking a lot about vulnerability lately, and started to wonder, Is vulnerability in friendships really necessary? Like, can you truly call someone a “friend” that you aren’t willing to be vulnerable to? So, I had a Friendship Friday with one of my girlfriends to hash this out. Adia, like me, admittedly struggles with vulnerability too. She dropped some amazing nuggets of wisdom with me that I am now sharing with you.

Watch our girl chat below.

What Are We Afraid Of?

Adia brought up some great points, especially on why black women in particular, often struggle with being vulnerable. You might be reading this thinking, I don’t have a problem with vulnerability. That’s great. I admire you. I really do. For the rest of us, what are we going to do? How do we go from wearing our emotional condoms to “emotional exposure”? What if we get hurt? What if the person we’re sharing our innermost feelings to laughs at us or puts us down or talks about us behind our backs? What if, God forbid, they use what we shared to take advantage of us?

That is precisely why vulnerability, at its core, is a risk. Kind of like love. When you make the decision to truly love someone, you go into it knowing full well you are giving this person power to potentially hurt you. Maybe that’s why some people don’t love fully. Love requires risk.

A Challenge in Vulnerability

I’m not going to give you three points on “ways to be more vulnerable,” because more qualified people than me have written and taught on that subject, and I am still a student. I will, however, ask you, as I ask of myself, to gather in your mind 1 or 2 people you trust and share your struggle of vulnerability with them. Tell them you’re afraid of being hurt. Tell them about that time you were taken advantage of. Don’t text them. Look them in their eyes and tell them. Then wait. Wait for the response. Not their response, but yours. I’ll bet you’ll be surprised.

You see we can never control anyone’s response to us. People get to choose who they will be, and we get to choose who we will be. Wait for your response. How did telling your truth make you feel? I actually did this, and let me tell you, I felt like I grew 12 inches. I felt proud of myself and stronger emotionally. Where fear abides, courage hovers. Vulnerability in friendships and in relationships requires courage. So, let’s keep working on it.

Oh, and be sure to check out part 2 of my conversation with Adia on vulnerability in friendships!