Is Your Marriage in a Rut?
10 Tips to Getting Unstuck in Marriage
Do you feel like your marriage is in a rut right now? Like no matter how hard you try to be positive, you can’t shake the feeling that you’re headed toward disaster or divorce? Believe it or not, most married couples will face times of boredom in their marriages. No matter how much you love your spouse or how hard you purpose to be a good partner, every marriage goes through seasons of ups and downs and many marriages get stuck in ruts. Sometimes these “ruts” are short, and all you have to do is allow a little time to pass before the marriage seems to autocorrect itself back on course. Other times, you need to mash the gas pedal down, kick up some mud and force that marriage in the direction you want it to go.
I’ve been married nearly 20 years, and believe me, Shaun and I have had our fair share of “marriage ruts.” Many times, we’ve taken each other for granted, gotten lazy on appreciating and encouraging each other or held an offense toward the other.
Here are some other reasons your marriage might be in a rut:
- You haven’t prioritized quality time with each other
- You’ve allowed too many outsiders access into your marriage
- You’re comparing your marriage to someone else’s
- You’re bored in other areas of your life
- You’ve lost your focus in life
- You have no vision for your marriage
- You’ve allowed your children to come between you
- You’re bitter about your unmet needs
- You’re not spending time in prayer or building your faith together
- You’re too distracted with work or other things
- You’ve had too many unresolved disagreements
- Your values are no longer in alignment
This isn’t an exhaustive list. As a matter of fact, if I gave you access to my MacBook, you’d likely add twelve more reasons to this list.
The good news is that you can get your marriage out of the rut you’re in with a little fine tuning and tweaking.
10 Tips to Get Your Marriage Out of a Rut
1. Put Away the Phone
Lord knows we love our smartphones, but the exorbitant amount of time we spend on them in the presence of our spouse is damaging. Ask yourself how often you’re on your phone when you’re around your spouse. Chances are it’s a lot. Instead of staring at your phone, how about staring at your spouse? Then, tell him five things you love about him. Try this every day for a week and see what a major difference it will make.
2. Get Physical
I’m not talking about sex here. We’ll get to that later. I’m encouraging you to take a walk, ride bikes, work in your garden or flowerbed or go to the gym and workout together. There’s something to be said about working up a non-sexual sweat with each other that bonds you to your spouse. If you want to get your marriage out of a rut, get physical!
3. Write the Vision
Do you and your spouse have a written vision for your marriageor are you simply living day to day, reacting to whatever life throws your way? The Bible clearly states, “Where there is no vision, the people perish” (Proverbs 29:18). The Message translation says it like this: “If people can’t see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed.” Ask your spouse if he will sit with you for thirty minutes and write a simple vision statement for your marriage that you both can pursue.
4. Switch Up Your Date Night
Date nights are great, and I hope you’re consistently doing them. But dating the same way (dinner or going to see a movie, for example) can get boring after a while. Think back to your premarital dating days. You likely tried new things, met with new people and experienced each other in different ways. Don’t let your date nights get mundane. Try a new restaurant in a different part of your city or town. Go to an opera or to a play. Visit an adventure park. Go on a scavenger hunt. Don’t get caught in a rut in dating your mate.
5. Take a Weekend Away
Stop. Don’t even start making excuses for why you can’t take a weekend away. If your child got sick and the best doctor was two hours away, would you go? You know you would. You would take off work, figure out childcare for your other kids, find the money, etc. Well, honey, your marriage is sick. And the “doctor” is two hours away . . . on a weekend retreat with you and your boo. Take some time away and refocus on each other. Put your phones away and reconnect. I promise you, this will do wonders for your marriage!
6. Pray Together
There are times in my marriage when all my efforts feel like chasing the wind. Times like this require prayer. Take your husband’s hand and just start praying. Pray for him. Pray for you. Ask God to forgive you for your attitude and your apathy. Ask God to fill you and your husband with hope for a renewed marriage. Ask God for wisdom on how to reconnect. And then listen. Your husband may or may not pray with you; don’t let that discourage you. Do this every day until you feel your marriage get unstuck, and then keep praying!
Watch: “I’m Losing Interest in My Marriage: Apathy –
Relationship Enemy #1
7. Switch It Up in the Bedroom
You knew it was coming! One of my friends has an area in her closet called the “hoochie mama corner.” This corner of her closet is full of wigs, lingerie and other props. I kid you not. There is a cane, a chain, hats, blindfolds and other interesting items. I laughed as she explained what that cane was for! Her solution might be a little extreme for some, but I assure you, her husband is sexually satisfied, and so is she. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable using props or toys in the bedroom. Fine. Switch up sexual positions. Try something new. Ask your husband what turns him on the most, and then do that. Bringing some excitement back to your sex life is one of the best solutions to happiness if your marriage is in a rut.
8. Put the Kids Out
It is every child’s job to try to come between her parents. Boy or girl, it’s like they scheme at how they can steal your attention, pit one parent against the other and monopolize your time. This is especially true in younger children. Do your children still sleep with you? Is this causing some distance in your marriage or causing your sex life to be only sporadic? Kick them out! Before the kids came along, it was you and your spouse. Even if you had kids before you got married, you’re married now, and your spouse should be your number one priority, not your kids.
9. Be Honest About Your Needs
When’s the last time you had an honest heart-to-heart conversation with your spouse about your needs? I’m not talking a complain fest, but actually telling your spouse the areas in which you need him to affirm you or meet a need you have? So often, we stew in bitterness and resentment because our spouse isn’t fulfilling our needs, yet we haven’t shared openly and honestly about what we need! Sharing your needs is a vulnerable position, especially when you don’t feel loved or valued. However, if your marriage is in a rut, you must talk plainly and calmly about your needs.
10. Take on a Challenge Together
At the end of the day, you and your spouse are a team. The best teams are those who work together toward a common goal. This is why a vision statement is so important. Think of a challenge you can tackle together. How about losing 20 pounds? Training for a half-marathon? Organizing your junk closet? Taking a parenting class? Volunteering in the same ministry at church? Pranking your kids every night for a week? Saving $1,000 before the end of the year? If your marriage is in a rut, pursue a common goal together.
Well, friends, there you have it. 10 tips for getting your marriage out of a rut. If you have any other ideas, please share them in the comments below. I’d love to hear them!
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