How to Maintain a Marriage for a Lifetime
I’m starting a new series called #MarriageMonday where I’ll be sharing LIVE on Facebook and Instagram some helpful marriage tips. Today’s topic is all about marriage maintenance, specifically how to maintain a marriage that will last a lifetime.
A few weeks ago, Shaun and I rolled up to an appointment. We got out of my car and walked into the office. We sat and chit-chatted for what seemed like forever when we both realized we must have gotten our times mixed up. We could hear the person we were meeting with in a session with someone else, so after 15 minutes, we decided to leave.
We got back in my car, and I pressed the nifty little ignition button. But my car wouldn’t start. Not a cough, not a stutter, nothing. I tried again. Still nothing. On cue, Shaun hopped out of the car to take a look under the hood. Nothing “seemed” wrong, but because none of my car’s lights or other electrical components worked, we knew the issue was a dead battery. Crud.
I’ve had my car for two years now, and though it was gently used when I purchased it, I never thought twice to check the battery before I drove it off the lot. I assumed since I bought it from a reputable car dealership and had done my due diligence, all would be well. And for the most part, all was well. But even new cars still need maintenance.
Marriage Maintenance Tip #1: Check Your Inners
Maybe your marriage looks good on the outside. It’s all sparkly and shiny. But what about your inners? It’s what’s going on inside that matters most. Social media can fool us into believing that everyone has a great marriage. We’re shocked when we learn of those same perfectly curated marriages ending in divorce. We all come into our marriages broken in some way. One of my friends always says, “There are no marriage problems; only childhood problems that manifest in marriage.” #Truth.
What “gunk” might you be carrying around that needs to be flushed out so that you can have a healthy marriage? These can consist of the following (and more):
- Childhood trauma
- Past abuse
- Insecurities
- Soul ties
This is why I ALWAYS recommend engaged couples get some kind of premarital coaching. It’s like a good diagnostic checkup before driving a used car off the lot. And though premarital counseling won’t solve all your problems, at least you’ll be more aware of what you’re getting into before making the biggest investment of your life.
Marriage Maintenance Tip #2: Consistent Communication
The truth is if you don’t maintain your marriage, it will break down. Shaun and I have been married for 20 years, and we’re still learning about ourselves and each other. We still have times when something breaks down. So, we are committed to this process of marriage maintenance.
Every day (or at a minimum, once a week), you and your boo should be checking in with each other. These critical conversations should go beyond the normal surface talk like how work was or how the kids are doing. These conversations should be vulnerable and probing. For us, the best times to have these conversations are at night when the house is still and we can actually focus on each other. I call it pillow talk.
Honestly, these aren’t always the easiest convos to have. I ask Shaun questions like, “How are you handling temptation this week?” And he asks me “Why have you still not bought groceries?” #Guilty.
Regularly checking in, though, is one of the best preventatives against your marriage growing stale or worse. The Bible says, “The little foxes spoil the vineyard” (Song of Solomon 2:15). Engine failure doesn’t happen overnight. #ItsTheLittleThings
Marriage Maintenance Tip #3: Getaways
On our way to a private island
If you follow me on Facebook, you undoubtedly saw our anniversary pictures in Aruba this summer. This was a milestone year for us. 20 years isn’t easy! Though we’ve taken some pretty fab vacays together, this one was extra special. First, we left the kids behind. #NoBrainer. Second, we purposefully didn’t plan a bunch of activities. It was just about us being together(in a tropical paradise, no doubt) enjoying each other.
Maybe you can’t take a big vacay every year, but you can certainly go somewhere once a year. Yes. You. Can. Be creative. Go to a Bed and Breakfast. Rent out an Airbnb. Stay at a local hotel (sans the kiddos). Just go away somewhere. Want to up the ante? Take a weekend getaway once a quarter. Yeah, we’re still working on that one, but can you imagine the anticipation of knowing you and your boo are going away four times a year?
Finally, every married couple should have regular date nights. Every. Married. Couple. How often did you date before getting married? How often do you date now? Hmmm . . . Date nights are one of the easiest investments you can make. They can be free, cheap or glam. You decide, but seriously, just do it.
Marriage Maintenance Tip #4: Marriage Coaching
You probably realize by now that I’m a huge proponent of counseling. Remember at the top of this post, when I said Shaun and I had an appointment? It was our marriage counseling appointment. Something had been “off” with us for a few weeks, and although we were having our pillow talk and date nights, we needed something more.
There is no shame whatsoever in getting marriage coaching. Think about it like this: every professional athlete has a coach. How crazy would they be to think just because they’re in the league, they can fly solo? No, no, no. They continue to challenge themselves and submit to someone else’s authority and guidance. That’s what marriage counseling or marriage coaching is all about. Most of the couples I coach only come to me (or a marriage counselor) when they’re about ready to sign separation or divorce papers. Don’t wait so late! I recommend ALL married couples see a marriage coach, mentor or counselor at least twice a year. Once at the least.
Marriage Maintenance Tip #5: Be Content
Sadly, some people choose not to make these worthy investments in their marriage. Some actually invest more money in the wedding than they do in the marriage. Still, others decide to simply trade in their “used” model for a newer one. The thing is unlike cars, relationships, especially marriages, appreciate over time.
Being content doesn’t mean you overlook problems or become passive. It’s just the opposite, actually. Couples who are content in their marriage are usually the couples who make the most investments. The apostle Paul speaks of contentment in Philippians 4:12, saying, “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want . . .” It wasn’t his circumstances that allowed him to be content. It was his perspective.
You can have a new marriage with your same spouse. All it takes is intentionality, investment, and involvement.
If you’re ready to put in some work on your marriage maintenance plan, be sure to sign up below for my weekly marriage tips today!
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