How to Get Over Marriage & Relationship Problems
Ya’ll remember JZ’s song, 99 Problems, right? When you’re going through relationship problems, remember his advice: I got 99 problems, but you won’t be one, and if you’re Iggy Azalea, add a, “like whaaatt.” This is the deal: every relationship faces problems at some point. You can be the most lovey-dovey, connected couple or the best friends in the world and you’re still going to disagree on something at some point. However, don’t make your partner the problem. See the problem for what it is. Not all marriage or relationship problems are created equal. Some require more attention than others, but none, and I repeat, none, require your complete and undivided attention 24/7. Sometimes you have to just sing like Elsa and let it go, let it go.
I know there’s someone rolling your eyes thinking, If she only knew. Honey, I do know. I know what it’s like to pound your problems into the pavement time and time again. I know what it’s like to have conversations that drag on into the wee hours of the night. I know what it’s like to think you’ll never fix your relationship problems if you don’t force a solution. I am the one who said, “you can’t fix what you won’t face.” However, when I said that, I was referring to this notion of pretending you don’t have problems or sidestepping the real issue.
The problem with overfocusing on your relationship problems is that you actually create the exact opposite effect of what you intended. You end up driving even more of a wedge between you and your partner.
How You Should Face those Relationship Problems Instead
I keep talking about marriage problems, but truthfully, you can apply this to any relationship in your life. Shaun and I have teenagers, so you can imagine we have issues from time to time. I have the tendency to lecture my kids (or bless them with hours of solid life skills and motherly advice, in my words) when they get out of line. I am a talker. I admit it! I don’t think there’s a problem that talking won’t fix. Except the truth is, there are problems talking doesn’t fix.
Instead of constantly talking about your relationship issues and problems, you may need to take a break. Do something fun. Go for a walk. In silence. Go play a game. Watch the video below to hear how Busch Gardens saved the day once when Shaun and I were beefing.
Problems that Can’t be Fixed
Are there relationship problems or parenting problems or marriage problems that can’t be fixed? Sometimes. There are times when you are just not going to see eye to eye. You are not going to agree. One of my favorite quotes is from relationship counselor Danny Silk who says, “The purpose of communication is not to agree but to understand.” What if we went into every problem with the mindset to understand and not to agree? How would our conversations change if we got off the defense or the offense and actually just listened to the other person?
There are some times you need to bring in a third party . . . a counselor, marriage mentor or trusted, unbiased friend. But after all that wisdom you glean, you still have to make a decision. Will you find a resolution or will you just continue to talk about the issue?
The purpose of communication is not to agree but to understand.
Change the Dance
I was at a women’s conference years ago, and the speaker talked about problems in relationships being like a dance. One partner makes a move, and the other partner responds. What happens when the first partner takes an unplanned step or steps out of line? The other partner is forced to respond differently if they want to continue to dance. That, my friends, is what you have to do when facing a problem. Change your step in the dance!
You can hear more about this in the video above.
Listen. Problems are a part of relationships. They just are. But, you don’t have to stay there. I truly believe there are no relationship problems that are greater than your commitment to the relationship itself. Focus on that when you want to dig your heels in. Remember what brought the two of you together in the first place, and then dance. No, literally, grab your partner by the hand and dance. You might be surprised at the response.
What about you? How to do you deal with problems in your relationships?
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