Should Married People Have Platonic Friends of the Opposite Sex?

Every Friday I get together with a friend, or recently, a group of friends to chillax and discuss matters that are important to us. I love Fridays. They are my favorite day of the week, especially since I’ve been filming my Friendship Friday series for my new talk show. This week, the girls and I discussed, amongst other issues, if married people should have platonic friends of the opposite sex. The opinions were all over the place. Some said yes, others said no, and at the end of the day, we decided the best thing is for each married couple to decide what’s best for them.

Platonic friends, in case you’re wondering, are relationships in which you have no physical or sexual desire. You could call these friends brother-sister relationships. The truth is, once you’re married, you have to guard your marriage like a hungry dog. You can’t afford to get too passive in your marriage and leave the door open for Lolita. (If you don’t know who Lolita is, watch/read about her on my “Sexless Marriage” post.) Maybe you’re in a marriage where one or both of you have platonic friends of the opposite sex and it’s causing problems. Beware.

Real Relationship Talk: Episode 2: Platonic Friends Huh?

(If the above video doesn’t load, watch it here.) 

I had a conversation with a lady not too long ago where this whole “platonic friend” thing blew up in her face. She had been friends with a guy for over 30 years. They hung out together, traveled together (sleeping in separate rooms) and had deep conversations about life. They had never crossed the line sexually, but their friendship might be considered one step deeper than “normal” to some. Out of the blue, ol’ boy got married . . . and didn’t tell his friend. Like, just doesn’t mention it. I imagine the conversation going something like this: “What’d you do this weekend?” And he replays in his mind his bride walking down the aisle to Shania Twain’s From this Moment . . . no, wait, that was my wedding! Okay, back to this fella. He simply says, “Oh, not much.” Like, who does that?!

This lady ends up finding out somehow that he had gotten married, and she was devastated. Rightfully so! She felt betrayed, dishonored and, she wondered, why didn’t he tell her? Were his feelings deeper than he led on? All this time she thought they were platonic friends, but was it something more to him? She immediately cut off the friendship, and to his dismay, told him not to contact her anymore.

Now, I realize that’s a bit of extreme example, but there are so many opportunities for weirdness when it comes to this whole married people having platonic friends situation.

But We Were Friends First

One of the main arguments for people who support having platonic friends of the opposite sex while married is that they were friends with the person before getting married. Hmmm . . . I believe once you get married, your husband or wife becomes your numero uno prioritio.I don’t know if that’s the right Spanish, but you get my drift. They become first . . . your number one priority. Whatever friends you had before should then become friends with your spouse. It’s the best way to guard against jealousy, overstepped boundaries and dangerous emotional attachments.

I have a really good friend named VJ. Actually his first wife, Sharicka, was my best friend. VJ and I could talk on the phone, text back and forth, and when Sharicka found out she had breast cancer for the second time, we talked constantly about her care. Sadly, Sharicka passed away, yet VJ and I remained close. Here’s the thing, though. Shaun and VJ were friends too. As a matter of fact, I met VJ through Shaun. So everyone was in the loop, and we all loved each other.

After several years, VJ was ready to find love again and found a beautiful diamond named . . . well, Diamond. Diamond is an amazing woman. I think she’s perfect for VJ. I remember him coming over to my house to tell me he had met someone. He thought enough of our friendship to do that. Sweet, huh? The funny thing is I already knew Diamond. She and I weren’t really friends, but were very fond of each other. Well, it didn’t take these two lovebirds long before they were madly in love and married. Now, there’s a new foursome: VJ, Shaun, Diamond and me. The wives are platonic friends with the husbands. I think this is the way it should be.

When Platonic Friends Cause Divisions

Let me just say out the gate that any “friend” who comes in between you and your spouse is not a friend at all. This is what some refer to as the toxic triangle. If you are friends with someone who is constantly challenging your spouse’s character, decisions, etc., you had better watch out. In the words of Tamar Braxton: “She tried it.” Let me tell you something: a real friend would never try to make your spouse look bad to you. They would never try to come between you and the most important person in your life. They would never try to make themselves look better than your spouse to you. If someone is doing that, he/she is not your friend.

I don’t want to call out any celebrities or anything, but I think we all know of at least two or three celebrity couples or maybe even “regular” couples who divorced because the “friend” moved in too close, and the husband or wife fell for it. Don’t let this be you. If you and your huz or wife choose to have platonic friends of the opposite sex, you should probably set some boundaries and ground rules. Remember to consider your spouse’s feelings over the friend’s.

Some Obvious No-No’s

I think it’s common sense that you don’t share about your marriage problems with this platonic friend. I mean, that just begs for a mess. Here are some of my no-no’s in order to keep your marriage in tact:

1. Don’t share your deepest secrets, longings, dreams or anything too personal with this person.

Now that you’re married, the main person you need to bear your soul to should be your spouse. Too many couples get in trouble because they don’t have boundaries in their relationships.

2. Don’t spend too much time alone.

You may have the best intentions, but why play with fire? If people have to wonder if the two of you are “together,” you know you’re spending way too much time alone.

3. Don’t complain about your spouse to this friend.

I know we talked about this earlier, but I felt the need to reiterate. Don’t do it. Just don’t.

4. Don’t allow him/her to be your “go-to” person.

Good and bad news should first be shared with your spouse, not your friend. The worse feeling is finding out old news after ol’ girl or ol’ boy found out first.

5. Don’t be a rescuer.

You’re amazing, but you’re not Superwoman/Superman. You are not the hero of your friend’s life. If you were before you got married, you aren’t anymore. It’s important to make this boundary very clear.

See? With a little intentionality and some clear lines, you can have platonic friends of the opposite sex that don’t destroy or threaten your marriage. Remember, the goal is that your spouse is or is becoming your new bff.

Do you have a different opinion or want to add to my list of no-no’s? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!