Proven Steps to Recover from an Affair

As promised in last week’s post, I am going to share some proven steps to recover from an affair. Last week’s conversation had us discussing if the old adage “once a cheater always a cheater” still rings true. I don’t believe it does. As a matter of fact, I was a cheater, and I changed. So have hundreds of thousands of men and women who decided to forsake their extramarital relationship(s) and invest in their spouse. But is affair recovery as simple as flipping a switch and deciding to be faithful? 

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To be clear, there are some foundational values that must be in place before any marriage or relationship can recover from an affair. First and foremost, the cheating spouse/partner MUST have a change of heart. I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but you’d be surprised at some of the men and women who push their spouses to be faithful when the cheating spouse has not truly repented. They may feel bad, make excuses and even promised to change, but in their heart of hearts, they don’t really believe that infidelity is always wrong. 

A couple years ago, I received a distressing phone call from a friend who found out her husband had been cheating on her with a girl at work. We’ll call my friend Elaine. Her husband, let’s call him John, had apologized profusely. He initially admitted that what he did was wrong, but he also blamed Elaine for not being emotionally sensitive to his needs, not having enough sex with him and for being too busy with her friends. While all of Elaine’s actions might not have been productive to her marriage, the fact that John so quickly and easily looked for a scapegoat was a huge red flag. 

Over the months, Elaine and John worked hard to fix their marriage. They went for weekly marriage counseling, John started faithfully attending church and Elaine cut way back on her outings with friends. Things seemed to be improving, and Elaine was confident that her marriage was going to recover from the affair. However, about six months into the process, Elaine found out John was still texting and spending time with the girl from work. She was devastated! How could he put in all that work while still secretly communicating with the woman who helped to destroy his marriage? When Elaine confronted John, he admitted that he had fallen in love with the girl from work, and while he wanted his marriage with Elaine to work, he couldn’t let go of the other woman. Armed with that information, Elaine chose to divorce her husband. She hired an attorney and moved out of the large home the two of them shared. 

A few months passed, and she received a call from John. He wanted to work things out. This time John was truly repentant. He didn’t blame Elaine for his choices. He recognized that he was responsible for failing his marriage vows. Elaine reluctantly agreed to begin the process of forgiveness. She was careful not to move too fast, because she didn’t trust John. But over the course of time, she started noticing real changes in him. He even switched companies so he wouldn’t be around the girl form work. After a year and a half of being separated, Elaine and John reconciled. To date, their marriage is thriving, and though they haven’t gone public with their story, they do share with close friends the redemptive power of God and how he helped them reconnect and recommit to each other. 

I recently spoke with Elaine and we talked about ways couples could truly recover from an affair.  Here is some of what we discussed:

Affair Recovery 101

• Repent without excuses – As I alluded to above, when a person is serious about changing, he/she doesn’t make excuses or blame anyone else for where he/she is in life. If your partner is still playing the blame game, he/she is not committed to the path of affair recovery. True repentance is the first step if you are to recover from an affair.

• Seek outside help – I get it: going through an affair is embarrassing as all get out, but you can’t really go through something like this alone. Seek out objective friends, spiritual leaders and professional (marriage) counselors. They will help you see blind spots, identify areas of continued weakness and provide accountability. 

• Set firm boundaries – As I discussed in once a cheater always a cheater, boundaries are absolutely essential to a healthy relationship. John quit his job. That’s one firm boundary. Have conversations about proper boundaries with your spouse. Write them down, and commit to them. For me, I don’t chat on the phone or text with guys that Shaun doesn’t know and like. And even then, never at night.  It’s a boundary I made for myself nearly 20 years ago. 

• Forgive – It is very difficult to forgive infidelity. The person you trusted with your heart and soul has betrayed you. The cut goes deeper than anyone could imagine. However, if you want to move forward, you must forgive. The Bible warns us that our prayers won’t be heard if we don’t forgive (Mark 6:14-15, Isaiah 59:2). That alone is reason enough to do the hard work of forgiveness. 

ALSO READ: How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

• Shut the door – This is a no-brainer. Similar to boundaries, the offending spouse must completely shut the door on that other relationship. This is a must. It’s hard to move forward when the past is staring you in the face every day. 

Unfortunately, our society has made it easy to be unfaithful. There are apps that hide apps from phones, all kinds of undetectable messaging services and a plethora of insecure, selfish women and men who are ready and willing to have an affair with your spouse. Pornography is rampant, couples are spending less time together and it seems the media glorifies adultery. Quick fixes, threats and manipulation won’t work to fix your marriage. In order to truly recover from affair, both spouses must be committed to digging deep to fix the deeply rooted issues in the marriage that made it vulnerable to an affair in the first place. 

One last thought, the offending spouse needs to take the lead on the restoration of your marriage. The spouse who’s been cheated on should not feel the pressure of “making your marriage work.” If you’re the one who’s been cheated on, don’t excuse bad behavior and don’t do your spouse’s work. Require a true change of heart. Some of the strongest marriages I’ve seen have experienced infidelity. If you successfully commit to the process, your marriage can even be better than it was before the affair.