Relationship Problems? Try These 20 Tips for Critical Conversations
Are you feeling anxious lately because of some relationship problems you’re facing? You are not alone. Every relationship has problems. Every. Single. One. As a matter of fact, if you’re in a relationship (be it romantic, parental, or even professional), and you’ve never experienced conflict, I’d say it isn’t a relationship. The nature of relationships that involve two or more people is that they involve people! And people have issues. Yes, even you. Even me.
Most of us like to avoid conflict in our relationships at all cost, but at times it isn’t possible or even advisable. Relationship problems are sure to happen, so instead of running from them, we need to learn how to run toward them. In learning how to effectively handle our relationship issues, we will inevitably strengthen our connection.
Fixing Relationship Problems by Communicating Better
One of the issues we face when trying to fix our relationship problems is communication mishaps. Communication problems start most of the issues we have. Assuming your partner is willing to work on the problem, there are several ways you can resolve your issues amicably.
Russell and Tina had been married for five years when Tina got an incredible job offer in her desired field in another state. Russell was normally a supportive husband, but when Tina told him of her promotion, her excitement was met with his objections. “What’s wrong with the job you’ve got? I don’t want to uproot my life to pursue some fantasy of yours.” Tina was shocked at his awkward accusations. Some fantasy of mine. She rehearsed his words all day. Finally, she knew she needed to confront her husband. It wasn’t what he said, but what he believed about her that hurt the most. Tina concluded that Russell thought her dreams were subservient to his and that her goals were simply fantasies. She tried to talk to him that evening, but what was supposed to be a civil conversation turned into an acrimonious argument. Tina was more hurt than ever and realized now why she avoided conversations like this.
I think we’ve all experienced times of unsuccessful communication in our relationships. Maybe your partner got offended and hurled insults, or they clammed up and avoided the conversation altogether. One of the most frustrating moments in any relationship is the awful standstill—the awkward avoidances and the silent treatment specials.
Lack of good communication is the number one reason why couples divorce. It’s also a major contributing factor to all the conflict we experience, so we’d be wise to learn how to communicate better when we are facing these relationships problems.
20 Tips for Critical Conversations
There are a few . . . well, make that 20 . . . practices I want to share with you on how to have better critical conversations. You can learn what took me 20 years to learn in 20 minutes (or however long it takes you to finish reading this post).
Solving Relationship Problems Before the Conversation
1. Have a clear purpose on WHY you want to have the conversation.
Straight out the gate, it’s best to know your WHY. Do you want to clear the air, get clarity on an issue, or simply vent? Knowing WHY you’re even having the conversation will steer you in the right direction
2. Choose the best time to talk. Avoid busy times or times when you or the other person(s) might be distracted.
This is a big one. I’m a night owl, and Shaun’s an early bird. So, naturally, I want to have our “deep” conversations at 1 AM. I used to get my feelings hurt when he’d either fall asleep on me or become irritated at me talking. Respect the other person’s needs, and choose a time to talk when it’s convenient for both.
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3. Decide what your goal is. What is ONE thing you want to resolve?
You can’t solve all your relationship problems in one conversation, so pick one. Do you want to let your partner know that their tone of voice is hurtful or do you want to talk about a budget? Be mindful and focus your goals so you don’t appear to be complaining
4.
If you pray, Honey now is the time to do it! I’ve found that so much conflict in my marriage and other relationships have been softened when I pray for understanding on both ends, soft hearts, and open ears. Before you say, pray!
During the Conversation
5. Don’t just hear. Listen.
It’s so easy to listen with an answer in mind. The art of great communication is listening to understand, not to respond or to agree.
6. Don’t interrupt the other person.
I mean, it’s just rude, yet we all do it. Interrupting someone else is pure evidence that you are listening to respond instead of to understand. Let the other person finish his or her thought before starting yours.
7. Listen without judgment.
Similar to number five, listening without judgment is your way of saying, “I hear you, and I want to understand more.” We all have preconceived ideas of other people’s motives. We must avoid this. Instead of filling in the blanks, have an open mind
8.
This is pure gold when trying to fix your relationship problems! Judgmental statements start with “you.” Vulnerable statements start with “I.” Instead of, “You made me so mad when you were late to pick me up,” try, “I felt unimportant when you picked me up late.” The only behavior you’re responsible for is your own, so own your feelings without pointing fingers
9.
My lord. This can be so hard when you’re constantly focusing on all your relationship problems. Instead of choosing one issue to solve, you’re telling stories about your brother’s friend’s nephew’s wife’s roommate’s sister . . . and how your partner reminded you of her when they did blah blah blah. . . Focus Daniel son, focus
10.
You might feel a little silly doing this at first, but it works. It’s amazing how our brains trick us into hearing something that was never said. Your partner said, “I feel like I’m not important to you anymore.” But you heard, “You don’t care about my job.” Huh? But it happens. Try to sum up the main points of what the other person has said, and see what a difference it makes
11. Ask for clarification when needed.
Because you will be wrong at least 25% of the time, ask for clarification. “So, what I heard you say is that me working so many overtime shifts makes you feel unimportant?” Yes! Now, we’re getting somewhere. People feel valued when you ask for clarification, especially in a critical conversation
12.
AMC Movie Theatre reminds us that “silence is golden.” You know I’m not talking about the silent treatment, but, rather, giving silent pauses after a point has been made. You don’t have to fill every minute with talking. Nod. Smile. Think. Just don’t talk too much
13.
Whenever you’re facing relationship problems, it’s always tempting to play the victim. But this is not what mature people do. You are not a victim. You are strong and capable, and you are learning to solve your issues without the need to vilify the other person
14.
Sometimes, you might need to take a break and come back to the conversation, especially if you find yourself stuck on a rabbit trail or playing the victim or breaking any of the above communication rules. Just be sure to actually come back to the conversation after both people have had some time to process on his or her own
15. Ask for forgiveness if needed.
Asking for forgiveness is a real pride killer, especially if you don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong. However, asking for forgiveness is one of the most solid roads to reconciliation. It requires an open mind and humility, which are two important traits to have in a healthy relationship
16.
Likewise, saying, “I forgive you,” is powerful. It’s not enough to think forgiveness; you have to express forgiveness. When our kids hurt each other, we not only teach the offender to apologize but the offended child to say, “I forgive you.” It seals the deal.
ALSO READ: HOW TO REALLY FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO HURT YOU
After the Conversation
17. Pray together when possible.
It’s so hard to be mad at someone you’re praying for. There are times Shaun and I have had a good, long talk, and I still don’t feel like everything was settled. It’s in those moments that I ask him to pray with me. Prayer softens hearts!
18. Keep outsider’s opinions out.
After you’ve attempted to solve the relationship problems with your partner, child, boss, etc., it does no good to rehash everything to a third party, unless the person is a trained counselor or coach. Bringing other people’s opinions into the mix can damage any progress you’ve made.
19. Refuse to be offended. Believe the best.
Offenses come at us every day, but we choose to BE offended. One of the best messages on offense can be found right here!
20. Allow time to take its course.
You’ve heard it said that “Time heals all wounds.” This isn’t the case in all situations, but often, it is. Sometimes you won’t be able to resolve your relationship problem, and the only thing that helps is allowing the problem to rest for a while until you can revisit it with more clarity.
A WORD OF WISDOM
Critical conversations are hard. Most people avoid them at all costs. But you are not most people. Solving your relationship problems by employing these tips will help you to see an improvement in how you communicate and will help you to have more meaningful and effective conversations.
Keep these tips handy!
Download my checklist of “20 Tips for Critical Conversations” and get your relationship back on track today!
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