Should I Stay When I’ve Fallen Out of Love?
Recently, I was talking with a friend who said she has fallen out of love with her man. They’ve been married for several years, but in her words, “the love just isn’t there.” I empathized with my dear friend, because I know how it feels to long for the days of long walks on the beach and romantic nights at the hotel. You know, what many people think being in love is supposed to be.
Infatuation vs. Fallen Out of Love
The problem with all of that is love is not a feeling. Love is not something you fall in and out of. What most people call “being in love” is actually infatuation. The dictionary defines infatuation as an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something. Did you catch it? Intense but short-lived. Infatuation is the butterflies or “goosies” when your crush calls, texts or walks by. It is the feeling that they can do no wrong. They are the perfect person for you, and you are so “in love.”
So you marry him or her. And as infatuation is supposed to do, it leaves. Now, you’re looking at unfulfilled dreams, a messy house and an overweight spouse. So you say, “That’s it. I’ve fallen out of love.” Another failed relationship under your belt. No, my friend, love is not a feeling. Love is a choice. Love chooses the overweight spouse. Love cleans the messy house. Love looks the other way when a more attractive person catches your eye.
Infatuation is when you find someone absolutely perfect. Love is realizing they aren’t perfect and staying with them anyway.
But I Just Don’t Love Him/Her Anymore
“But it’s been years,” you say. “I just don’t love him/her anymore.” Listen. Real love is hard work. It’s a daily decision to die to your own selfishness and put someone else’s needs above your own. How many parents think, I just don’t love my kids anymore, so I think I’ll leave them at the mall. Hopefully none of us. Real talk: we don’t always love our kids. But we stick with them. We don’t leave them, even when they are working every bit of our nerves. So, why then, do we feel we have the “right” to leave (or God forbid cheat on) our spouse because we’ve “fallen out of love”?
Instead of making an exit plan, remember why you fell in love in the first place. Hopefully, it was more than looks or sex or convenience that brought you together. Surely there was something deeper.
A Shared Purpose
I was watching an old Oprah interview of Will and Jada Smith. She asked them the secret of their longstanding marriage. “Purpose,” Will replied, matter-of-factly. “If you don’t have a purpose for your relationship . . . somewhere you are going, something you want to do, you can really get lost in the murk of the journey.” Hello! Though Will and Jada are each successful in their own right, they have a shared purpose for their marriage.
If you don’t have a purpose for your relationship . . . somewhere you are going . . . you can really get lost in the murk of the journey. – Will Smith
The purpose of your marriage has to be more than raising kids, because what do you do when the kids grow up and leave? It has to be more than making each other happy, because that won’t always happen. Please, take some time to think about this question. When you have a shared purpose for your marriage, you can overcome your relationship issues and make it through the rough times.
My Advice to You Who Have Fallen Out of Love
- Understand the difference between infatuation and love.
- Focus on learning how to truly love your spouse the way he/she needs.
- Stop looking for an out. Start looking for solutions.
- Surround yourself with others who do relationships well.
Remember, if you’re married, you made a covenant. A promise. An oath. Figure it out. You fell out of love; you can fall back in love. Focus on what brought you together, and make a commitment to build on that. And this time, don’t fall. Stand.
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