Relationship Talk – Waiting for Change

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Have you ever been frustrated because you were “waiting for change” in your marriage or relationship? Maybe you’re there right now. With all the relationship talk or, shall I say, chatter that’s out there, you’d think we’d all have perfect relationships by now. There are literally hundreds of thousands of books and websites on marriage help, dating advice, romance resources and everything else under the sun. Sometimes, it makes me want to slam my MacBook closed, turn off my social media and block it all out. Then, I realize I’m a “them.” LOL. I create loads of content to help women and men seeking relationship or marriage help, specifically, so they can build solid relationships that last.

I recently had a conversation with a sweet, young woman I am coaching. Her husband is struggling to be a good husband, and she’s at her wit’s end. “What do I while I’m waiting for him to change?!” She blurted out. Ahhh. I felt her pain. I allowed myself to go back 7-8 years ago while I, too, was waiting for change to come to my marriage. I was tired. I was trying not to lose hope, but it seemed like no matter what I tried or how much I prayed, nothing really changed. Maybe God had forgotten about me or . . . maybe he didn’t really care. All I knew was that I felt like I was going nowhere fast.

How Long Do I Wait?

When I first got married, my mom would tell me stories about how my grandmother prayed and waited 12 years for my grandfather to change. I literally said out loud, “There’s no way I’d wait 12 years for a man to change.” And what do you know? I had found myself in a marriage where I was doing just that. I was waiting. Maybe you are like me and are short on patience. Lord knows, being married will certainly test that! I wish I could wave my fairy wand and “poof!” change would descend from the heavens in little, glittery snowflakes, but that’s not real life. The truth is that most often, change is a long, often painful process. 

I don’t think it’s wise to set a time limit when you’re waiting for change in your spouse. You married him/her knowing his/her issues, so it’s kind of hard to try to change a person at that point. Now listen, I’m not talking about situations where there’s major marriage issues going on like abuse or infidelity. Those issues should be dealt with immediately. You do not want to enable toxic behavior. Looking back, I waited for much-needed improvements in my marriage for, get this . . . 12 years plus! I’m not bragging. That was a really hard time in my life. When you commit yourself to marriage, you commit for life. In good times and bad; for better or for worse. 

ALSO READ: When to Divorce

What to Do When Waiting on Change to Come

The good news is that you don’t have to just endure marital stress like a prison sentence. Did you know that it’s possible for you to still have joy even if/when your circumstances don’t change? Let me share with you the advice I gave to the young woman I spoke of earlier. 

1. Pray for yourself 

While you’re waiting for change, you have to pray that your heart will be protected from your spouse’s bad choices. The Bible talks about faith being like a shield. I imagine a shield protecting the heart when the heart is fully trusting in God. Pray that you won’t grow bitter or resentful.Pray that you will keep your love on toward your spouse, even when it’s hard. 

2. Grow yourself

Where might youneed to grow? It’s so hard to look at yourself when all you see is your spouse’s flaws, but if we’re honest, there are things we need to change about ourselves too. My friend, Lori, often says, “Even if I only caused 5% of the problems, I must 100% own my 5%.” That’s deep.

3. Prepare yourself

What would happen if the changes you’re waiting for suddenly happened, and you weren’t ready to receive them? Years ago, I had been upset with Shaun because of our finances. “We need a budget,” I kept telling him. Then, out of nowhere, Shaun organized a budget with monetary amounts for each category. He asked me for the bills, and I didn’t have them! I wasn’t ready when change came a-knockin’ on my door. 

James 1:3 says, “Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.” Yes, I had to go all King James on you, because I need to remind you (and me) that patience only grows in the incubator of trials.Tweet that. 

So, my “relationship talk” for you today is to remember that you can do this. You are stronger than you know, and in this season of waiting for change, you are building something. Now pray, grow and prepare!