When to Divorce (According to the Bible)

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together in the sight of God and the presence of these witnesses . . . The preacher smiles first at the husband and then at the wife. Both the bride and groom beam with joy. It’s your wedding day! Finally, after months of preparation, tuxedo rentals, dress fittings, and not enough taste-tastings, your big day is finally here. You squeeze your soon-to-be husband’s hand as he recites his vows to you. He’s trying not to cry, and you are secretly hoping he will. Your heart is beating through your chest. How you love this man! The last thing on your mind is wondering when you will divorce.

You recite your vows to him . . . the promises you mean with all your heart–to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, all long as you both shall live. You mean every word. As the two of you escape into your limo after dancing the night away, you stare into each other’s eyes. Life is going to be just magical from here. 

• facebook

Now this is the part of the story where I wish my words could make a screeching sound, like the squealing tires of the limo as it hurries you to your destination honeymoon. Fast forward five years, two babies and one too many fights later. You’re exhausted. You and your husband somehow went from frisky rabbits hot on each other’s tails to snapping turtles licking your own wounds. If you knew marriage would be thistough, you would have smiled sweetly at his proposal but just said no. You are now wondering when to divorce your spouse, and if you’re a Christian, you might even look for examples of divorce in the Bible.  

Sometimes It Lasts in Love and Sometimes . . .

With over 1 billion YouTube views, one of the biggest songs of our day is Adele’s Someone Like You. This song is nearly 10 years old, but women the world over still sing the familiar lyric, “Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead,” when experiencing relationship heartache. This is so sappy! I’m sorry; I love Adele. Her musical chops are amazing, but this song is a powerless mantra. So many treat love like a couple who receives a mysterious, yet beautiful new ball in a decorated box on Christmas. It smells good, looks good, and feels good to the touch. This couple feels “lucky” to have been given such a gift. 

The new couple treat their new love toy with care. They dust it off, polish it, and are ever so careful not to drop it. Until one day . . . the husband drops the ball and shatters it to pieces. He stares down at the broken pieces in disbelief. Upon hearing the clanging of the ball against the floor, his wife rushes in to see shards of glass all over the floor. She is literally heartbroken. The perfect gift of love is now broken, and the couple realizes that “sometimes love lasts, but sometimes it hurts instead.” They sweep up the pieces, throw them away, and decide to divorce. 

This story is on auto-repeat in every culture, socio-economic group, and neighborhood in the world. Instead of fixing what’s broken, we decide to throw it away. And then we sing songs reaffirming our powerless state . . . we fell out of love and we just had to walk away. 

When to Divorce Due to Hard Cases

• facebook

As you can obviously tell, I am not a proponent for divorce. However, I do realize there are hard cases that lead couples to wonder when to divorce. Cases where one spouse simply will not change, damaging the marriage through toxic behavior like physical abuse, affairs and abandonment. Those are the “big three” that, in my opinion, are reasons to divorce. I never encourage women to remain in abusive marriages or loveless marriages where there is unrepentant infidelity or abandonment. 

Divorce in the Bible was rare, yet the Bible actually sheds light on all three of these issues: 

Abuse– “the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion, and your wife by covenant” [Malachi 2:14, emphasis mine].

What does it mean to deal treacherously? The dictionary defines it as unstable, unsafe, dangerous, marked by hidden dangers. It also means unfaithful. 

Affairs– “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” [Hebrews 13:4].

Infidelity is a big deal to God. It is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage as it is a direct betrayal of the covenantal vows you made.

Abandonment– “But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace” [I Corinthians 7:15].

If your spouse has left you, that is abandonment, and you are not required to stay in such a marriage.

It’s a sad, hard decision to walk away from a marriage. I don’t judge or shame anyone who has divorced. When Shaun and I were in the thick of our marriage problems, divorce was something I thought about nearly every day. And I had the Biblical “out.” So many who do decide to divorce do not. They become weary, lonely or overwhelmed. 

I know this is not a popular message, because our culture will tell us the most important thing in the world is our own happiness. But that isn’t true. There are times you will not be happy in marriage. There are times you will regret the covenant you made. Those are the times, though, that can catapult you into higher heights in your marriage if you persevere. 

ALSO READ: Proven Steps to Recover from an Affair

The Bible says of Jesus that,“he endured the cross, despising its shame” so that he could receive the eternal inheritance he knew was on the other side of the pain (Hebrews 12:2). What is your “cross” to bear? What have you been assigned to endure for this season? These are hard questions, and no one wants to answer them, especially when we are in the middle of our pain. 

However, instead of asking for the Bible to give you permission to divorce, a better thought process might be what does the Bible say about learning to love the unloving? 

Now, I realize there are some who will get divorced no matter what I or the Bible say. However, I pray that before you do, you commit to exhausting every option toward reconciliation (prayer, fasting, counseling, a season of separation, etc.). God is for you, and he is with you. He will not give you more than you can bear. My prayer for you or anyone wondering about divorce in the Bible is that you go to the One who is able to heal, redeem and make new.

Did you know I offer marriage coaching? Contact me for more info. I’d love to support you in your marriage journey.