Where Have Our Relationship Values Gone
I recently read a story that really had me wondering what is happening to the relationship values we once held so dear? I was searching online for some inspiration for the logo for my relationship blog when I stumbled on a site featuring a very interesting story. A middle-age man wrote that he was ready to end his 10-year “monogamous streak” with his wife but not through divorce. He, rather, wanted to begin exploring sexual relationships with men while remaining married. He wasn’t planning on hiding this from his wife either. As a matter of fact, he mentioned that she, too, wanted to start exploring her sexuality outside of their marriage.
As I sat there reading, with my pointer finger ready to pounce on the back button (in case things got too kinky for my liking), all I could do was mutter, “Lord, have mercy.” I’ve heard all about open marriages, but the fact that this couple had gotten to the point where they are planning on getting their sexual needs met apart from each other screams dysfunction to me. I am not a prude, and I do not pretend to act like all marriages are functional, but my lord, really?
I mean, does anyone have any relationship values anymore? Are there seriously no absolutes, rights or wrongs or boundaries in relationships? I just wonder how we got this far down the slippery slope of self-expression and so-called freedom so quickly.
What is Freedom in Relationships Really?
Depending on your upbringing, religious (or non-religious) beliefs, experiences and opinions, you might define relationship values very different than me. But what does it mean to have freedom in your relationship?
The good ol’ dictionary tells us that freedom is the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint. Another dictionary definition for freedom is unrestricted use of something. Doesn’t this definition sound awe-inspiring? We can do whatever we want, with whomever we want, whenever we want! Yay! Well, sure, but when you commit to a relationship, especially a marriage, you sacrifice some of those freedoms for the sake of your partner.
For example, I am free to deny my husband’s sexual needs every night if I choose to. But, because I love him, and I committed to him for life, his needs become important to me. Most of us realize it is utterly selfish to consider our freedom only. Freedom, like anything else, has limits. We are free to do anything, but everything has a cost.
Going Deeper
The Bible teaches in I Corinthians 10:23, “Someone may say, ‘I’m allowed to do anything,’ but not everything is helpful (beneficial). ‘I’m allowed to do anything,’ but not everything encourages growth.” New York Times bestselling author, leadership guru and Guinness World Record Holder for the largest book signing ever Orrin Woodard puts it like this: “Self-denial in the pursuit of purpose generates true pleasure while self-indulgence in the pursuit of pleasure generates true misery.” Hmm, hmm, hmm. Let that sink in.
We don’t gain true freedom by simply doing whatever we want. We attain true freedom by living not only to please ourselves but in pleasing the ones we love, which often means denying ourselves.
Now back to the story of the fella who wants to go swinging on the other side of the tree. I bring this guy’s situation up not to judge him or simply state my opinion, but to remind us that it’s time for us to realign our relationship values if we are to ever attempt to find true fulfillment in relationships.
When something breaks down in your relationship, fix it. If one spouse wants to explore his/her sexuality, do it with each other. Don’t denigrate the integrity of a monogamous relationship by seeking your own selfish pleasures.
It’s time we get back to defining what our relationship values are. I think this conversation should be had by every couple contemplating marriage and every marriage that is struggling. When you focus on your values, your relationship turns outward instead of inward. You begin looking beyond yourself and instead at things from a larger perspective.
What are some of your own relationship values, and what are you are willing to do to nurture them?
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