• facebook

Why We Need Boundaries in Relationships

Most of my friends know that I have pretty firm boundaries in many areas of my life. When it comes to boundaries in relationships, we should also have some pretty set standards. I don’t know when the word “boundaries” got such a bad rap. I personally love boundaries. I think of all the conflicts in my life that could have been avoided if people (including me, at times) would have just stayed in their lane. Imagine the chaos that would ensue if when driving down the road, all the drivers decided to ignore the boundaries—they ignored the guard rails, road markings and traffic signs. I can see collisions for days, can’t you? 

That is exactly what happens when we ignore boundaries in relationships. For some strange reason, some people think having boundaries makes them appear rude, stuck-up or even selfish. Nothing could be further from the truth! Like on the highway, boundaries in relationships provide safety, clarity and keep us from collision (conflict). 

I think we can all recall a time or two when we either crossed someone’s boundaries or they crossed ours. What usually happened were misunderstandings, misjudgments and mishaps, right? 

Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

The key to having your boundaries respected and respecting others’ is to set boundaries upfront. How do you want to be treated? What won’t you tolerate? Have you heard the saying, “Givers need to set limits, because takers rarely do”? That’s what I’m talking about. Some people may seem like they were created to just suck the life out of you. But it is up to you to not let that happen!

You can’t be mad at someone you’ve enabled to abuse you. And when I say abuse, I mean abuse your time, your talents, your resources, your love, etc. It is up to you to set proper boundaries in relationships so the relationship can flourish.

You might be reading this and thinking, That’s easy for her to say. She doesn’t know my husband . . . or my wife . . . or my kids . . . or my boss. Listen, that is all the more reason why you need to set boundaries. Here are a few quick tips that have helped me. 

1. Know your worth – Often, we don’t set boundaries in relationships because deep down, we don’t feel worthy. We don’t feel we have “arrived” to the status of telling people no. Well, let me tell you, you are worthy of respect, and those who truly love you will respect your boundaries. 
2. Know everyone won’t be happy – If you go through life trying to please everyone, you are going to drive yourself crazy. Jesus Christ was perfect and still people gossiped about him, lied on him and misrepresented him. You can’t live your life focused on what other people think about you. Trust me, it’s a trap. Proverbs 29:25 says, Fearing people is a dangerous trap, but trusting the LORD means safety.
3. Know your desired outcome – You need to know why you are setting the boundaries you are setting. Do you want more time with your family? Set boundaries on how much time you will devote to work. Do you want a home filled with peace? Set a boundary that you will not yell and argue with your spouse or your children. Knowing what you want will help you make practical, attainable boundaries. 
4. Know your own limits – This is important. Too many of us don’t know our capacity, so we say yes to things we should say no to and then collide into the guardrail of burnout. You can’t do it all. I know you’re fly, but you’re not Superman/Superwoman. Saying no is one of the most freeing things you will do. 

Boundaries Done Right

When it comes to setting boundaries in relationships, especially marriage, you have to talk these things through. I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling. I knew from a young age that yelling was not going to be a part of my marriage. So, when I got married, I told Shaun, “I’m a passionate (code name for stubborn) person, but I’m not going to argue with you.” Now, don’t get me wrong, we have some heated conversations from time to time, but when I see the conversation veering off the road of safety, I pull back. We avoid the collision of screaming matches and name calling. I can proudly say that in almost 19 years of marriage, we have never called each other out of our names. That takes self-control, but it also takes intentionality. It’s not an option for us. That is one of our boundaries in communication.

So, hopefully you have started thinking of some boundaries in your relationships you need to either set or re-establish. Remember the outcome. Boundaries are for your protection, the protection of your loved one and ultimately for the benefit of your relationship. 

Like this post? Be sure to follow me on Facebook and Instagram for more inspirational posts like this! And of course, if this message encouraged you, drop a note in the comments section.