#Winning at Marriage
You see the couples online who seem to just be winning at marriage? They both look like models, have the best inspirational quotes on marriage and even their “fights” lead them to greater intimacy. Can I be honest? Good, ‘cause I’m gonna be anyway. I used to “hate” on couples like that. I would roll my eyes and think, “Nobody’s marriage is that perfect.” And the truth is, I was right. There is no perfect marriage, but there are lots of couples who have found the secret to winning at marriage.
It’s not that winners don’t make mistakes. They do. They just make fewer mistakes than losers. As I’ve shared before, all four of my kids play sports. Shaun and I have been to hundreds of our kids’ sporting events. Their teams win when the team unifies, overcomes whatever mistakes they’ve made and put more points on the board than the opposing team. Sometimes the losing team simply got tired. Other times they didn’t shoot or throw the ball enough. Still, other times they were overcome by their own mistakes.
Marriage is just like that. In order to win at marriage, you need to follow three simple steps.
Winning at Marriage Tip #1 – Stay in the Game
When my nineteen-year-old, Chris, was in ninth grade, we took him to see a mentor named Mike. Mike was a local coach and was great at helping young guys like Chris to refocus in certain areas of their lives. Since Mike was a coach, and he knew Chris played sports, he used a lot of sporting analogies to drive home his talking points.
“You’re in the first quarter, Chris,” Mike told him. “It’s too early to get tired!”
I never forgot that. Mike was reminding Chris that his high school career had just started. It was way too early for Chris to be laxing on his grades or his behavior. I have told many couples the same thing! You’ve only been married six years? You’re still in the first quarter. It’s too early to get tired!
Too many marriages fail, because the spouses just give up. If you want to win at marriage, you cannot give up. You have to stay in the game. Stay focused. Remember why you started playing the “game” of marriage in the first place, and decide to see it all the way through.
ALSO READ: How to Cope in a Loveless Marriage
Winning at Marriage Tip #2 – Take More Shots
My sixteen-year-old, Cayla, is a basketball star. She loves basketball. I remember buying her first basketball hoop when she was around two years old. For years, Cayla was known as the “clutch shooter.” If you’re not inclined to sports talk, that means when the team needed to score, they could always count on Cayla to make a shot.
But a few years ago, something happened to Cayla. She got a new basketball coach who didn’t know her and didn’t seem to believe in her abilities. This coach actually discouraged Cayla from shooting. This greatly damaged Cayla’s confidence. When she wouldget the ball in those tense moments, she’d clam up and miss her shot. Sadly, she began to play hot potato with the ball, passing it to another player instead of going for the shot.
I have seen couples do this, too. Because of past mistakes, they’ve lost their confidence and they stop taking shots. They stop trying new plays. They’re still in the game, so to speak, but they pass the responsibility of the win to someone else.
If you want to win at marriage, you have to keep taking shots . . . keep progressing . . . even when it seems like you’re missing the mark every time.
Winning at Marriage Tip #3 – Overcome Evil with Good
Do you know how much marriage advice is in the Bible?! Romans 12:21 says, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Other translations read, “Do not be conquered by” or “Do not be defeated by . . .” We could swap the word “bad” for evil. When a spouse has made poor choices, especially painful choices, it can be really difficult to keep trying. It’s as if the bad will always outweigh the good. This is especially true for those who are married to spouses who constantly bring up their spouse’s wrongs.
Instead of being overcome, defeated or conquered by wrong, you can win at marriage by focusing on the good
I Corinthians 13, which many call “the love chapter” of the Bible teaches that, “Love keeps no record of wrongs” (I Cor. 13:5). The easiest way to feel defeated in your marriage is to keep pointing out yours or your spouse’s flaws and past mess-ups. Instead of looking for the negative, count your wins!
Counting Your Wins
I sat with a wife who had been deeply wounded by her husband’s selfishness and emotional distance and threats of divorce. She spent the next five minutes complaining about how terrible her husband was. After my ears could take no more, I said, “Girl, you have got to stop focusing on all that he isn’t, and start thinking about some wins.” What
“Nothing. There is nothing I can see as a win,” she stammered.
“Hmmm. I’m sure there’s something. I’ll wait.”
As we sat in silence, her frown softened, and she began to tell me how her husband went out of his way to get her car’s oil changed that week. He spent time listening to her talk about a friend’s problem. He helped put away the dishes that night after they ate. The more she thought, the more wins she came up with. After a few minutes, she was actually smiling. Her husband wasn’t as bad as she had portrayed. She had just been focusing on the wrong thing. And even though this wins were small, forward progress is always good progress.
So, there you have it. There’s no need to hate on any other married couple for winning in their marriage. You can win at marriage too! The rest is up to you.
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