Real Talk for Those About to Get Married

I recently ran into an old friend who I knew was about to get married. We hugged, chatted and, of course, talked about all things wedding. As we chatted, I casually asked (as I do every premarital couple), “Who’s doing your premarital counseling?” She flinched her eyebrow, obviously not anticipating the question, and said, “Premarital counseling? We aren’t doing that. Do you think we should?” At that point, my eyebrows were nearly touching my slicked down edges. Why would anyone get married without premarital counseling?! “Yes, girl!” I said. “I would highly recommend you guys meet with someone.”

This sweet, soon-to-be bride began telling me how she and her beau didn’t want to “open a can of worms” before the wedding. My heart started palpitating through my sparkly Guess T-shirt. “Honey, the worms are already out. You either deal with them now or later. I suggest now,” I warned her. We finished our chat, and she assured me she’d consider “looking into” premarital counseling.

Later, as I thought about this conversation, I realized many of us put more stock in the cars we drive, the food we eat and the places we live than we do in the lifetime relationship we embark on. Marriage is serious business. What are your non-negotiable marriage values? Those who are about to get married should take note.

A year ago, I bought a car. But this wasn’t just any ordinary car. It was an Infiniti SUV: the most expensive purchase (other than my house) that I’ve ever made. I literally searched online for months for this car. Although I love nice things, I am also super frugal . . . call it having champagne taste on a beer budget. Anyway, not only was I searching for the lowest price, but I needed my new car to be “blinged out.” I wanted every feature allowable. I “needed” the blind spot indicator, the heated rear seats (the kids made me do it!), the back-up camera, etc., etc., When I finally found my dream baby at an out of town dealership, I scrutinized that sales contract from top to bottom. I wanted to be sure that my investment was fully protected and that I wouldn’t experience any hiccups later on.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

The Value of Premarital Counseling

Joining your entire life — your past, present and future –with another human being is a big investment! We all come into marriage with baggage, expectations, weaknesses, preferences and values. The challenge is trying to mesh all that together while having a fulfilling relationship. Wouldn’t you want to know as much as possible before you got married? Don’t you think couples who are about to get married should “read the fine print” first?

Now, I’m not saying that all your marriage problems will be solved by going to premarital counseling, but at least you’ll be ahead of the game. You’ll be in the know.

Before Shaun and I were about to get married, we went to two premarital counselors. One was his pastor, and the other was the father of one of my best friends who happened to be a marriage psychologist. The pastor gave Shaun and I a good spiritual understanding of what marriage was all about . . . actually, he put the fear of God in us, no lie. While I don’t agree with everything the pastor taught us, I am grateful for the foundation he helped to lay.

As a young girl who grew up without my father in the home, I idolized two men primarily: Bill Huxtable and David Martin. Sadly, the man behind the character of Bill Huxtable has taken a dramatic, shameful public fall as of late, but as a child, I had no idea of what he was doing behind the scenes’; no pun intended. All I knew was he was a loving, black father who adored his wife and kids. David Martin, my friend’s dad, was everything he preached and more. I got to see firsthand how he treated his wife at home. When he agreed to do our premarital counseling, I was elated! Dave was such a gift to us. He taught us some very practical lessons on money, friendships with the opposite sex, fighting fair and a host of other marriage issues. These are things every couple about to get married should know.

 

Pitfalls to Avoid When You’re About to Get Married

One of the exercises Dave had Shaun and me to do was to list 12 reasons why we wanted to get married without using the word “love.” To say that little exercise was challenging is an understatement! Shaun filled out his list quickly, but to be honest, I was stumped. Because I was only 17 and didn’t have a clue about anything, I thought getting married was all about love. I had no idea the pitfalls that awaited me. I don’t know if pen and paper could contain all the advice I give to couples about to get married, but for this post, I will share three.

1. Thinking marriage is all about love

Love is important, and every couple who is about to get married should love each other, don’t you think. BUT . . . marriage is more than love. Marriage is commitment. It’s dedication. It’s forgiveness. It’s humility. Its’ trust. It’s grace. It’s growth. Marriage will stretch you in more directions than you ever thought possible. And here’s some news: you won’t always feelin love. Heck, you might wake up in the morning wanting to suffocate your spouse with your pillow¾or so I’ve heard. It’s in these times when you don’t feel very loving that you need to remind yourself that marriage is more than love.

2. Thinking your spouse will complete you

One of the things I tell couples who are about to get married is that marriage works best when you bring two complete/whole people together. It’s actually a miracle and doesn’t make Mathematical sense. 1+1=1? How does that work? See, many people think ½ + ½=1, and that’s where they get in trouble. If you’re not bringing your best self, your whole self into the marriage, you are starting off on the wrong foot. And don’t I know it. I didn’t know who the heck I was at 18. The Blockbuster hit, Jerry Maguire, had come out a few years prior and had taught us the infamous lie: “You complete me.” Your spouse can enhance you, yes, but no person can complete you. You’re already complete.

3. Thinking you won’t face trouble

Hee, hee, hee. I laugh as I type this, because so many couples who are about to get married think married life will be just like their dating life only better. Marriage is no joke. It’s a great relationship, don’t get me wrong, but the joining of two lives is a big deal. If I sound redundant, good! I want to drive this point home. Trouble comes to all marriages, and if you are not equipped to handle it, it will take you under. When the lovey-dovey feelings go from a flame to an ember, and you’re facing some tough challenges, you had best be able to tap into something greater than yourselves. For Shaun and I, it’s always been our faith. No one can convince me that God himself didn’t hold our marriage together. And he’s still holding it together.

You will face trouble in marriage. But how you face it will make all the difference.

So, to every couple who is about to get married, please, please, please invest your time, money, energy and resources into wise counsel. Remember, marriage is the most expensive investment you’ll ever make, because you’re not just investing money. You’re investing your life.

If you’ve gone through premarital counseling, what’s the best marriage advice you learned?