Are you dealing with a difficult friendship and wondering if it’s time to give the friend the ax? I, too, have needed wisdom on whether to cut or mend some of the friendships in my life, because breaking up is never an easy thing to do. Over the last three years, I have mentored a group of young moms as a part of a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group at my church. This week, as we discussed “sisterhood in the form of friends,” where we talked openly about what we look for in friends and times we’ve been wounded by our friends.
Many of us had the same stories. We felt like we were the ones initiating friendship more than our friend. Some of our friendships were naturally drifting apart. We craved more time with our friends. We wanted friends who understood our schedules and didn’t take offense to not communicating in the same way or with the same frequency.
What We Want in a Friend
Women, especially, crave real friendships; real relationships where we can be fully ourselves with no fear of judgment or comparison or jealousy. The problem is because we are all broken on some level, it’s hard for us to trust another person with our heart. Almost all of us have, at some point, been disappointed or hurt by someone we considered a friend. When that happens, we put up our walls and opt for shallow, social-media curated friendships instead.
ALSO READ: VULNERABILITY IN FRIENDSHIPS – PART 2
If you’ve known or followed me for a while, you know I instituted “Friendship Friday” a few years back. I love getting together with my friends, but because of my demanding schedule, it had become more difficult to make this happen. Being intentional about getting together with the women in my life that I love has made all the difference in our friendships.
I find my best content comes out of those times when I’m in the middle of a “storm” and can choose to be authentic about where I am. Today is no different. Lately, I’ve been feeling distant from a few of my friends. I’ve done life with these girls for years, but for a variety of reasons, things have just felt “off” . . . so much to the point where I’ve asked myself if the friendship is even worth continuing. Have you had to ask yourself that lately?
When to Cut the Friendship
I hopped on Facebook this morning and came across my friend Ginger Simpson’s post on friendship that went right in line with what I am writing today. Her post started off with this quote: “Knowing who to cut off and who to be patient with is everything.” Here is the rest of what she wrote, in its entirety, because it’s just too good for me to paraphrase:
I don’t just #CUT and I am not proud when I do have to pull away from someone. I wrestle with it when I do. Whereas, “Cut off” sounds a little harsh I do KNOW there are seasons God requires an adjustment to your circle. For
God reveals who WE are through relationships
Reason. Season. Lifetime. You already know. – Ginger Simpson, The Restored Woman
Is this Friendship Making Me Better?
Ahhh!!! So good, right?! The parts I bolded are what really stood out to me. I don’t like to cut people out of my life, but I will when necessary. A painful lesson I am learning is that not everyone who approaches you with friendship has pure motives. This is a hard truth, especially in the Christian world, where most of us are striving to be loyal and loving. But the truth is God gives you discernment for a reason. Use it. Trust it. If you’re discerning something’s not right, pray for more details. God will show you.
I am living this right now, friends. Without going into too much detail, there is a person who I’ve become friends with who I’ve always had a little check in my heart about. There wasn’t any major issue, just that familiar, “Be careful,” whisper I hear sometimes. On the surface, this person is loving and generous and has many of the qualities I look for in a friend, but there are some concerns. I keep asking myself, “Am I becoming a better person, more Christ-like, because of this friendship?” That’s the million-dollar question right there.
My prayer for you today, and for me, is that God will give us the courage to pursue the friendships that will refine and align us to His purposes for our lives. That He will show us when to cut and when to mend.
If you’re going through something similar, when do you decide when to cut a friend out of your life and when do you know you should mend it?
What if that person is a sibling that is extremely toxic, manipulative and controlling? The way I see it, I only have one life to live, and even though it’s a family member, I’m not willing to allow the toxins contaminate that one life that I have.
I agree with you, David. While I believe blood is thicker than water, I also know there are time family can be toxic. I have family members I keep distance with for those reasons. I always strive to forgive, but there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Some people just aren’t “safe,” and you have to guard your heart (Psalm 4:23) and your time. Great question!