How to Cope in a Loveless Marriage 

One of the things that both breaks my heart and challenges me the most is talking to couples who are in a loveless marriage. Straight out the gate, let’s be clear: God does not want you to simply endure the pain of living in a loveless marriage. As a matter of fact, I believe it breaks his heart too. 

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Earlier today, I came across a Goalcast video where this woman shared her story of leaving her “loveless marriage.” She detailed getting married young and moving to Italy. Her life seemed great to everyone on the outside, but after a few years she realized she wasn’t happy. So, without any warning, she decided to leave her husband to “pursue her own happiness.” As I continued to listen, all the alarms were going off in my mind. Why is this inspirational?! Who’s watching this right now and feeling she should leave her marriage too? How did this woman’s story make it on Goalcast?! Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. The comments were flooded with thoughts similar to mine.

Honestly, I don’t want to even link to the video, because I believe it spreads a false message of empowerment. Maybe you have heard people say things like, “Your happiness is what matters most,” or “God wants you to be happy.” Here’s the thing: happiness is fickle. I woke up in the best mood today because I got a much-needed night of rest after caring for my sick, 9-year-old son, Collin the last few days. But just a few minutes later, he spilled his vitamin C supplement all over the couch, and those happy flutters vanished into thin air. Whoever thought of building a lifetime covenant on a temporary emotion?

We cannot base our lives, and certainly not our marriages, around happiness. Marriage is deeper than that, and honestly, it’s deeper than “love.” There are times when you feel you don’t love your spouse. Those are the times you have to dig down another level and anchor yourself in the commitment you made. 

How Did We Get Here?

You might be struggling in a loveless marriage right now, thinking, How did we get here? You scroll through your social media pages and roll your eyes. How does everyone else seem to have a happy marriage? Where did it all go wrong? Or, maybe you’re wondering if things were ever right? 

ALSO READ: When to Divorce

What Love is Not

We all want to feel loved. Being married to someone that you don’t love or you don’t feel loves you can be torture. Yet, love is not a feeling or a moment. Love is a choice. You choose who you will love. I don’t believe that couples “fall out of love.” Love isn’t like this huge pothole in the road you just fall into. You make intentional choices and sacrifices and actually create a loving relationship. Love did not happen to you. Sorry, but Cupid is not real. The good news, though, is just like you didn’t fall into love, you cannot fall out of it. 

If you are in a “loveless marriage,” it is because you, your spouse or both have decided to turn off your love. Maybe it’s because of past hurts, unforgiveness, apathy, comparison, fear, anger, pride, or a combination of these relationship enemies and other factors. But there is a solution. 

Good News for Your Loveless Marriage

Okay, I’ve laid out the truth. Things are looking pretty bad. But, the good news is, you can bounce back from here! I shared a recent post on Instagram that simply said, “You can always come back from a setback. Remember that.” It’s true. I believe every broken marriage can be restored if both spouses are willing to do the work. Here are some tips that helped me when I was feeling trapped in a loveless marriage: 

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1. Take back your power

Remember, love did not happen to you. You made the choice to love your spouse, so love him/her! I was talking with a woman recently who told me that she would start being respectful to her husband once he stopped ignoring her. I get it. None of us wants to feel like we’re putting in 100% when our spouse is only giving us crumbs. But, if you want to break out of your loveless marriage, you have to remember that your choices are never contingent upon the other person’s. Covenant Eyes has a great write up about this!

2. Cut out the negative voices

I’m always baffled when couples in crisis listen to negative voices from other people. I am very careful who I listen to; this includes being very selective with movies, media, talk shows, podcasts, or any other voice that would take me deeper into my negative feelings. Cut out any and all voices that are not encouraging you to fight for a stronger marriage. 

3. Take a trip down memory lane

I have a friend who re-watches her wedding video with her husband on every anniversary. I love this idea! Remembering who you were when your love was the strongest is a powerful catalyst for remaining together when your love is the weakest. Tweet that. Talk about the good times. Go back and find old birthday or anniversary cards. Let the past be the push you need to get back to where you belong. 

4. Build new memories

While the past can be a reminder, it cannot take you into your future. In order to come out from a loveless marriage and into a loving marriage, you need to make some new memories. There are plenty of times Shaun and I have gone out on dates when we were “beefing.” Tackle a new adventure together, work on the yard together, gang up on your kids together . . . just do something together! In order to get something new, you have to try something new. The Bible says it like this, “You cannot put new wine into an old wineskin” (Luke 5:37). 

ALSO READ: Couple’s Play Date Night and Giveaways

My marriage changed when I realized that you don’t get married because you are in love. You get married to learn how to love. I know it’s not popular and doesn’t give you chills, but it’s true. You can overcome a loveless marriage and create a marriage that is tried and true if you are willing to let go of what is and embrace what can be.