Is Once a Cheater Always a Cheater True?
So you found out your partner has been cheating? And now you’re wondering if it’s true that once a cheater always a cheater. Can someone who has been unfaithful ever be trusted again? All sorts of questions are swirling through your mind. Why? What did I miss? What am I doing wrong? Why am I not enough? Oh, that last question is the most damaging one of them all. No other question will send you into an emotional tailspin while you try to make sense of your spouse’s or partner’s decision to become unfaithful to you. So before we go any further, I need you to know, there is nothing wrong with you. You are not the reason your spouse decided to cheat.
What is “Cheating” and Why Do People Cheat?
I find so many people who have been cheated on, women, especially, end up blaming themselves for their spouse’s behavior. You might be think if only you’d been a better partner. If only you’d been willing to have more sex. If only you’d been thinner or funnier, or . . . The list goes on and, honey, it is exhausting! Thinking like this only shreds your confidence and self-worth.
The reason people cheat is simple yet complex. In a nutshell, people cheat out of selfishness. Their needs weren’t being met, so they think . . . or they were no longer happy in the marriage or relationship. The list could go on, but essentially, all cheating boils down to a selfish and hurtful decision. Are there areas where you need to improve? I’m sure there are. But did
I Was Once a Cheater
Unfortunately, I know this saga all too well. I’ve been on both sides of the fence when it comes to cheating. About a year into our marriage, I had an affair. I could give you a million reasons why, but at the core, I made a selfish choice. Around that same time, my husband, Shaun had an affair. We were both immature; neither of us felt loved by the other, and both of us made selfish choices to meet our own unmet needs through the “love” of someone else.
I never thought I would cheat on Shaun. That just wasn’t who I was. I am a loyal person by nature. Knowing what I had done ate me up inside. I was so ashamed of myself. I remember sitting on my floor of the bathroom in my apartment and crying nonstop. How in the world had this happened?! I immediately cut ties with the other guy and have not spoken to him one time in over 20 years. Shaun, on the other hand, had a different experience. It took him much longer to finally break free from his destructive pattern of cheating. It would be years of repeated infidelity before the light bulb finally went on in his life and he committed to the work of repentance and restoration of our marriage.
The Evidence of Once a Cheater Always a Cheater
There is no scientific evidence that suggests that once a person cheats he/she will always cheat. No evidence whatsoever. There is a high chance, however, that if the offending partner does not deal with his/her issues . . . I’m talking about the real, root issues that led to the infidelity, he/she will most likely cheat again. Notice I said if the offending partner doesn’t deal with his/her issues, not the offended partner. Too many bad marriage books have been written that suggest that it is somehow the faithful partner’s responsibility to fix his/her issues so that the affair won’t happen again. This is ludicrous. Affairs happen in happy marriages as well as unhappy ones. Ask any spouse who was shell-shocked after finding out about their spouse’s affair.
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While there is no evidence that proves that once a cheater always a cheater, there are some warning signs that should concern you if you are the faithful spouse.
How to Tell if a Partner is Cheating
When someone has committed adultery, had an affair, messed up, cheated, or whatever you wish to call it, and is truly committed to change, there are some fundamental changes you should see. Likewise, there are also signs of when a partner is cheating, and he/she is not truly ready to change. Here are some red flags and tell-tale signs you might notice:
- The Blame Game – Accepting responsibility for our actions is one of the healthiest and most fundamental things we can do to stop errant behavior. No matter what the situation, it is not anyone’s fault but your own for the choices you make. The unfaithful spouse can’t blame their parents, a lack of love, an inattentive spouse or even substance abuse for the choice he/she made. If the cheating spouse won’t accept 100 percent responsibility, you should be very concerned.
- Lack of Boundaries – Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. Once an affair has happened, the cheating spouse has to be willing to create strict boundaries. That might mean changing jobs, cutting off relationships, giving up drinking, not traveling without his/her spouse present, not having a smartphone, etc. It’s important that these boundaries are initiated by the unfaithful spouse, because he/she is more likely to stick to the boundary if it is self-motivated.
ALSO READ: Why We Need Boundaries in Relationships
- Lack of Personal/Spiritual Growth – I believe God is present in the heart of someone who has truly decided to change. I believe he is the one who solidifies his will in our lives and gives us the desire to want to trust him to help make us better than we were before. Therefore, if the unfaithful spouse is showing no evidence of spiritual improvement, you should be concerned, especially if he/she has cheated before.
- The Bible explains, “If anyone is in Christ, he has become a new person. The old life has passed away. Behold, a new thing has begun (2 Corinthians 5:17). I just don’t see how a person can become a “new thing” without a major spiritual awakening. Am I saying one has to be or become a Christian to change? Of course not. There are faithful men and women among every religion and belief system. But there should be personal growth and a commitment to continued soul-searching improvement amongst this group as well.
More Warning Signs of Cheating
- Little Interest in You – I recently had a conversation with a sweet woman who is hurt that her husband shows very little interest in her in the bedroom and beyond. Her husband has been previously unfaithful, and she worried that he might be cheating again. I don’t know if this guy is being unfaithful or not, but I do know that a committed partner or spouse will begin to turn his/her affections back toward their spouse if their heart has truly been changed.
- Lack of Conviction – In order for any of us to truly change, we have to be sorrowful for what we’ve done, we have to see what we’ve done as wrong, and we must commit to changing our thoughts, influences and behavior. If your spouse makes light of other men/women who cheat, watches shows or consumes music that promote infidelity, dabbles in pornography, hangs with the same friends who either encouraged or didn’t discourage his/her unfaithful behavior, he/she is more likely to be cheat again.
There are many other warning signs that might alert you to another possible affair. Ask for wisdom from an unbiased person or counselor. Pray, and trust what you hear. I do believe there is hope for every struggling marriage. In my heart, I do not believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I believe anyone has the power to change once he/she repents of his/her wrongs, commits to growing spiritually, creates boundaries in his/her relationships, learns how to love (not just be loved) and develops deep convictions.
If you are hurting from infidelity, read my post on “Can you recover from infidelity?”
Until next time, what are your thoughts? Do you believe the old adage once a cheater always a cheater? I’d love to hear your comments.
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