Relationship Issues You Can’t Ignore

Recently, I launched a series on relationship issues called 5 Relationship Enemies to Avoid, accompanied by some pretty vulnerable videos. I’m always seeking to encourage couples, especially marriages, to be alert and vigilant against the relationship issues that can wreak havoc on your love. Truthfully, I could probably do a month-long series (or more!) on even more relationship issues, but for our purposes, let’s focus on these five: apathy, comparison, unforgiveness, fear and shame.

5 Relationship Issues Recap with Videos

1. Apathy

Apathy is a silent killer. It’s one of the relationship issues that goes undetected and unannounced. Apathy is basically saying, “I don’t care.” Usually, several offenses or acts of rejection have caused the offended partner or spouse to give up. Apathy runs many marriages today. From the outside, it doesn’t seem all that bad, because there nothing is “majorly” wrong in the relationship. Maybe you have just “fallen out of love.”  However, apathy ruins relationships over time. This is why it’s so important to continue to communicate about your differences, even when it seems the other partner is unmotivated or unwilling to change.

“Apathy ruins relationships over time.”

You might be reading this thinking, If only she knew how long I’ve been at this… I get it. It’s hard to keep trying to breathe life into a relationship that seems dead. It’s even worse when neither partner cares. But someone has to go first. Someone has to fight when the other person can’t or won’t. You need to rely heavily on prayer and a good friend or two in  times like this. They can give you encouragement until your heart softens again.

2. Comparison

It’s been said that comparison is the thief of all joy. Comparison actually squeezes the life out of relationships by constantly comparing your lows to another’s highs. There are no perfect couples. Every couple has relationship issues of some sort. Therefore, when you compare yourself or your relationship to someone else’s, you take your eyes off of what you do have and, instead, focus on what you don’t.

“Comparison is the thief of all joy.”

Many good marriages have been damaged when the husband or wife began to idolize or idealize what someone else has. This one hit me hard. I tend to be an idealist. I have high standards and find it almost unbearable when those standards aren’t met. So, I don’t lower my standards, but I am learning to accept timing. There is a time and a season to every good thing. Intentionally practicing gratitude is one of the best things you can do to fight the enemy of comparison.

3. Unforgiveness

Have you ever done something wrong, only to apologize and not be forgiven? The weight of unforgiveness doesn’t only crush the relationship but also the persons involved. Carrying unforgiveness is so toxic that nearly all relationships that feel its brunt don’t survive. Unforgiveness blocks intimacy. There’s just no way around it. It creates walls in our hearts that are impenetrable. Of all the relationship enemies, this one might be the worst.

“Holding on to unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

Are there things you are still holding against your spouse? Have you allowed unresolved relationship issues to turn into unforgiveness? Holding on to unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. If you know you need to forgive your spouse / partner, just do it. Forgiveness doesn’t absolve the person of their responsibility, and it doesn’t mean justice can’t or won’t be served. It simply releases you to be free from being the Judge.

4. Fear

I wish I didn’t struggle so much with fear, but the truth is fear has reared its ugly head in many areas of my life. As a kid, I was afraid someone would break into our home. As a teen, I was afraid of dying in a car accident as I was fleeing my house because someone had broken in. As a young mom, I was afraid I’d walk in my child’s room and find him not breathing. As a wife, after experiencing adultery, I was constantly afraid it would happen again. Fear wreaks havoc in relationships, because it immobilizes you. It’s one of the relationship issues that affects everyone. We all have fears. The key to overcoming your fears is to openly discuss them, because what stays hidden stays empowered.

“What stays hidden stays empowered.”

Fear is simply F.alse E.vidence A.ppearing R.eal. Usually the thing you’re afraid of won’t happen. Thankfully, no one has ever broken into my home. I wasn’t involved in a car accident as a teen. None of my babies were found unconscious in their cribs. And, praise God, my marriage actually did recover from adultery. It’s a mind game, and you are holding the winning card! Don’t allow fear to rule your life or your relationship. Courage is the antidote. Everything that scares you can be overcome with courage.

5. Shame

After I shot the video on shame, I literally called Shaun to let him hear the most vulnerable parts. He encouraged me to trust my gut and post it even though I was afraid. Transparency can still can be a struggle for me, even though I talk about it all the time. This proved true as I posted this video. Secretly, I hoped no one watched it. But they did! And you know what? I didn’t lose any friends. Not any real ones anyway. That’s the thing with shame. Shame beckons us to hide. Like fear, it thrives on secrecy and past wounds. So many relationships are limping, because one or both partners are full of shame.

“Guilt has a purpose. Shame is never productive.”

We want to hide when we’ve done something wrong; it’s our human nature.  Adam and Eve, in the book of Genesis, did it. Kids do it. Spouses do it. We all make mistakes. We all have failures and weaknesses. And when we make those mistakes, we feel guilt. However, there is profound difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is good when it moves us to repentance. Once its job is done, guilt is no longer needed. Shame is never productive. It’s yet another of the relationship issues that largely goes undetected. Whoever admits that she/he is walking in shame?! But, we overcome shame when we allow ourselves to be seen instead of hidden.

Have you been able to identify one or more of these five relationship issues that threaten your intimacy? Now you have some weapons to fight back with. Don’t allow yourself to be bullied by these relationship enemies. You are an overcomer! Your relationship can win! Take a chance on yourself and on your marriage / relationship. You can conquer anything!